


The Ability To Accept Changes

by TheSpiderLady



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angry Kissing, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Post-Reveal Pre-Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Pre-Reveal Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Romance, Sloppy Makeouts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25925116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSpiderLady/pseuds/TheSpiderLady
Summary: Marinette wrestles with becoming the new Guardian and feels she is not worthy of the title...and then some.  Cat Noir struggles to support Ladybug but finds it difficult when even she doesn't know what she wants. Ladybug considers giving up and Adrien is not far behind her. One weak moment in a sea of doubt could change everything.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Plagg & Tikki (Miraculous Ladybug), Plagg/Tikki (Miraculous Ladybug)
Comments: 72
Kudos: 127





	1. Experiencing Loss Is A Part Of Life

Experiencing Loss Is A Part Of Life

She had been wrestling with it for weeks. The loss, the sacrifice, the guilt, the fear, all as one in the most formidable foe she had ever faced, more terrible than any unsuspecting lackey Hawkmoth could conjure through his akumas. Master Fu: forced to relinquish his life’s work all because she had been hasty, careless; forced to sacrifice his memory because of her inadequacy. He had given her the Guardianship as a last resort, not because she deserved it regardless of what he said. What else was he supposed to do when cornered by Hawkmoth threatening to force him to reveal their secret identities? That had always been paramount, keeping their identities safe, and despite the fact that she had forced Master Fu’s to be revealed, he continued to keep theirs secret until the very end, even so far as to render himself incapable of sharing. She was not worthy of the title he had bestowed upon her. She had been the sole reason his hand had been forced, revealing his identity to Hawkmoth. Even so, when he had every right to reveal hers in turn, he had sacrificed himself to keep it secret. She was not worthy. She would never be worthy.

The same words played on repeat in her head as Marinette trudged to school. There was no chance she was running late that day because there was no chance she had overslept when she simply hadn’t really slept at all. Any sleep she got was fitful, wracked with images of Master Fu being attacked by the sentimonster, seeping guilt into her wakefulness, sapping her self-worth. The nightmares of Chat Noir abandoning her were no better, and soon followed nightmares of her family and friends likewise turning their backs on the unworthy failure named Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Everyone gave up on her in her dreams and she did not blame them in the least. It was her fault that Master Fu was gone, and when Hawkmoth won because of that, it would be her fault, too. Was it even worth fighting anymore when it was all inevitable anyway? Marinette simply wasn’t sure, and that scared her more than she imagined anything ever could.

She sat at the bench she shared with Alya and waited, lost in thoughts of her inadequacy, almost dosing off until someone cleared their throat. The startled girl squeaked as she sat bolt upright, nearly falling from her seat. “Um, Marinette? Are you OK?” She didn’t have the emotional energy to be embarrassed, so she just gently nodded at Adrien while avoiding his gaze. She knew if she opened her mouth to even answer him with one syllable, she would lose whatever baring she had left that kept her from constantly breaking down. “Are you sure? You don’t look – “

“Hey girl, that’s twice this week!” Thank whatever gods there were for Alya. Marinette swallowed thickly knowing that eventually she would have to speak. She began building whatever walls she could muster to keep herself together enough to appear normal through the school day.

“Twice what?” Adrien asked curiously.

“Twice that she’s been here before me instead of bumbling in at the last minute. Girl is going to be late to her own funeral,” Alya explained. Marinette didn’t even blush. Had this not been the New Marinette, it might have made Alya concerned, but there was only so much prying even the budding reporter could do before she realized the futility of it. Marinette had been like this for weeks, slowly worsening as time passed until she seemed to stall at apathy. Oh, she faked it well, but Alya knew her best friend, and the sparkle that made Marinette who she was had turned lackluster.

“Oh,” Adrien said, concern and confusion briefly shadowing his face before he added, “Don’t make a habit of it, Marinette, or we might start to worry!” The three chuckled, and Marinette even forced a smile, but Alya could tell her heart truly wasn’t in it.

Marinette’s walls were in place and she managed to force out, “I promise to be late tomorrow,” with a halfhearted smile. What she mumbled next, however, she meant with full conviction. “Don’t want anyone worrying about me.”

Old Marinette’s heart would have stuck in her throat at the concerned look Adrien flashed Alya, even if Adrien was with Kagami, but New Marinette only looked away ashamed. She didn’t deserve concern, didn’t deserve even the teasing worry her friends expressed at her being early instead of her usual tardiness, didn’t deserve friends.

“Pull yourself together, girl,” Alya muttered as she sat next to Marinette, looking around to make sure she didn’t draw any more unnecessary attention as Adrien turned back to his own desk. “The normals are going to notice.”

At that, Marinette sat up a little straighter and gathered her belongings from her bag. Tikki stared up at her with large soulful eyes, trying to offer whatever silent comfort and support she could from her hiding place, but Marinette tore her eyes away immediately upon making eye contact. She couldn’t bear to look at the tiny being of which she was not worthy, couldn’t bear to be reminded again of how she had failed; she knew it was lurking in Tikki’s eyes, the disapproval, the disappointment, and she couldn’t bear to see it there, not when she had just erected her walls.

Marinette focused on her classes, anything to keep her thoughts from straying back to poor Master Fu, glad he couldn’t remember her betrayal. Before she knew it, lunch hour arrived and Marinette begrudgingly stored her supplies in her bag, careful of Tikki’s wellbeing but never meeting the Kwami’s gaze. Lunch didn’t offer the distraction that class did, and Marinette knew it would be a struggle to make it through. Alya dutifully dragged her best friend from class once the bell rang, cornering her in the locker room until everyone left.

Marinette began to protest the wave of questions she knew Alya was about to crash down upon her, but Alya held up her hand. “I’m not going to ask anymore, girl, you’ll tell me when you’re ready, BUT,” she eyed her best friend sternly, “you have got to start taking better care of yourself.” Marinette made to protest again and Alya drove forward, “You look like shit, Marinette. I love you, girl, and I cannot imagine what has made Merry Marinette turn into Grumpy Gus, but you look like shit.”

“I know,” Marinette sighed, lowering her eyes and slumping her shoulders in defeat. “It’s just -”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me. Please just promise you’ll be OK.” Marinette swallowed thickly and nodded, unable to explain to her best friend that she wasn’t entirely sure she would be. The petite girl despised liars, but she also despised herself, so did it really matter? Would any of it really matter in the end? Keeping identities secret didn’t matter when Marinette the Mistake couldn’t keep a secret at all. “You’re doing it again,” the wavy haired girl said softly before enveloping the petite girl in a hug. Old Marinette would have hugged her back, but New Marinette stood there listlessly. In reality, Marinette was trying not to break down, was holding back the same sobs that had wracked her body time and time again...but only when she was alone. Sometimes she even made Tikki leave.

Alya stepped back, hands on Marinette’s shoulders, and tried to catch the shorter girl’s gaze. “Get some sleep tonight, OK? For me?” Marinette nodded again but refused to look into Alya’s brown eyes lest her barriers come crashing down. Alya gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze before gathering her own things. “Oh, and you’re not sitting alone for lunch again,” Alya explained, “You’re coming with me, Nino, and Adrien. You don’t have to talk, but you can’t keep separating yourself from everyone.”

“But I  _ want _ to be alone, Alya,” Marinette grumbled knowing full well she was going to lose the argument and certainly having neither the emotional nor the physical energy to fight hard enough to win.

“And that’s the problem,” the brown eyed girl answered, slinging her bag over her shoulder, “I’ve left you alone and look at the result.” She gestured towards Marinette. “Not anymore. Now come on, they’re waiting.”

...o{0}o…

Adrien was preoccupied with thoughts of his partner, but not in the usually romantic way. No, he couldn’t stop thinking about Ladybug because something seemed different. She would only offer small smiles at his puns, maybe a halfhearted smirk if he was lucky, and although he had scaled back on his flirting, he wasn’t entirely sure even that would get a rise out of her anymore. Sure, she fought with the same gusto and righteousness she always had, but it was somehow cold and calculating almost as if she was bored. No, that wasn’t right, she wasn’t bored...maybe fed up? No, not that either. Indifferent, she was indifferent, just going through the motions because she knew she had to rather than fighting because she knew it was right.

He conversed with Nino and Alya, only half listening, as they ate their lunch at the nearby park, and although Marinette’s stammer had begun to improve as of late, she didn’t speak enough for it to matter. In fact, he just realized, she hadn’t spoken at all the entire day, and as he made to bring her into the conversation, his childhood best friend reared her indignant head.

“Oh, Adrikins!” Her voice was shrill and Alya visibly winced. Nino ducked his head so he hopefully wouldn’t be noticed. “What are you doing with her?” the blond asked disapprovingly, eyeing Marinette up and down. “I mean seriously, she’s totally ruining your look with that pathetic ‘woe is me’ pout.” Sabrina finally caught up to what must have been Chloe’s beeline for the group. The class bully looked over her shoulder for support before glaring back at Marinette. “Just a poor baker’s daughter, and look! Can’t even afford a brush!”

“Go away, Chloe,” Marinette said with a bored tone, shooing away the blonde like an annoying fly.

“Excuse me?!” Alya looked from one girl to the other, mouth agape. “ _ You _ do not dismiss  _ me _ , Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

“Somebody should,” Alya muttered. Nino elbowed her gently as a show of support.

Marinette finally looked up, her eyes focusing a little more on Chloe. “Just go away, OK? You can’t make me feel worse than I already do, so don’t waste your breath.” With that, Marinette turned her head slowly to gaze back out over the park, eyes unfocused.

Chloe didn’t know how to respond; she opened and closed her mouth a few times before clenching her jaw and turning on her heel, her hair violently swinging behind her. Nose in the air, the blonde stomped away, her redheaded lackey right behind.

“Duuude,” Nino breathlessly said while grinning at Marinette, “Where did that darkness come from?”

“Not now,” Alya hissed, bugging out her eyes to convey the gravity of the message.

Adrien rubbed the back of his neck. Alya was making it very clear to let it drop. On the other hand, Adrien was not one to stand on the sidelines if one of his friends needed him. Upon closer inspection, it looked like Marinette  _ really _ needed a friend. There were bags under her usually sparkling cerulean eyes and now that he looked, he could see that her once pale, full cheeks appeared sunken and sallow. Chloe’s attempt to undermine the other girl’s self-confidence missed its mark as Marinette’s hair had clearly been brushed. It was down, however, and pooled over her shoulders, gleaming in the sun and so black it was almost blue. Adrien couldn’t help himself.

“Your hair is really pretty, Marinette. You should wear it down more often.” He tilted his head to the side a little, almost as if he was considering further, but said nothing more. When she inclined her head towards him ever so slightly, he smiled gently, hoping she could see it. Something stirred in his heart when a fleeting smile, almost imperceptible, graced her face.

“Thanks,” Marinette whispered. Without warning, her features were placid again, and Adrien was taken aback by the certainty with which Marinnete had disconnected. He did not stop smiling at her, softly showing his support whether she wanted to openly recognize it or not.

Nino ungracefully cleared this throat. “Time to head back, dudes.” As he stood, he offered his hand down to his newly minted girlfriend to help her up. Adrien watched as Marinette struggled to pull herself away from her thoughts before standing himself. The blond felt horrible for his friend. Whatever had her so consumed that she could barely manage a smile must have been so hard to bear and he wasn’t sure how she was doing it all alone. He made a mental note to ensure he asked Alya about it later. No one should have to suffer alone. He knew the pain better than anyone and he wouldn’t let anyone else experience it if he could help it. With concern for Marinette clouding his thoughts, the young model quietly made his way back to school.

...o{0}o…

The air was brisk against her face, colder where the tears had fallen. Her ears and nose stung sharply from the cold front sweeping across Paris. Ladybug let fly with her yoyo again, the exhilaration making her heart pound against her chest as she was propelled over rooftops. When she landed, she winced, pausing long enough to give her exposed skin a reprieve from the biting cold before swinging off again in no particular direction. Cat Noir could find her on his own if he wanted. Otherwise, she was indifferent to patrolling alone and would almost be happy if that were the case. Alas, nothing had been going her way for weeks and it wasn’t about to start then.

Cat Noir alighted upon the roof next to her, emerald eyes gleaming as he offered her a languid smile. “M’Lady.” His bow was just as relaxed as his smile. 

“Cat,” she replied without emotion; it was more of a statement than anything else. His ears twitched.

“How are you feline tonight?”

Ladybug groaned, but not because he punned. “You have used that one  _ so _ many times, Cat. Please retire it already,” she whined a little, not making eye contact. Cat noted it was an improvement from their last patrol, but really, any interaction other than pleasantries was an improvement as of late.

His replying smile only made her groan more. “No promises, M’Lady.” When Ladybug moved closer to the ledge, he followed, peering out over the city next to his partner in comfortable silence. Comfortable silence, that is, until Cat glanced over at Ladybug to compound the beauty of Paris...and found the heroine staring straight down at the ground some 15 stories below. “Ladybug?”

She jumped back with a squeak, stumbling, and for a split second, Cat Noir thought she was going to fall over the edge. His stomach lurched as he reached out, too late to help her. Ladybug caught her footing and screeched, “Holy hell, Cat! You scared me!” She tried to keep her heart in her chest as she gasped for air, bent slightly at the waist. He couldn’t stop his trademark smirk at her accidental pun even though he had been afraid she was going to fall just moments before.

He stifled a laugh with the back of one of his gloved hands, eyes wide. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to! Are you OK?!”

“I’m fine, just scared me a little.” Ladybug shivered. Then her blue eyes narrowed, hands upon her hips as she straightened, still catching her breath. “You think it’s funny!” Cat Noir was losing the fight to keep a straight face despite the tightening feeling in his throat. Ladybug was not faring much better.

“So do you!” Truthfully, Cat Noir wasn’t fully sure why he was laughing; he was also being taken over by a nervousness he couldn’t quite explain. Why was she so calm after almost having fallen off such a tall building?

She shrugged nonchalantly, grinning. “Maybe a little.” She paused while she tried to school her face into placidity before scolding him. “But don’t you ever do that again!”

“I’m sorry, M’Lady, I really didn’t mean to!”

“Yeah, yeah…suuuuuure,” she halfheartedly rolled her eyes, still trying to catch her breath as they sobered.

“Bug?” His voice was quiet, inquisitive, as he finally broke the silence.

“Hmm?” She dragged her gaze away from the horizon.

“What were you thinking about?” he asked gently. When she looked at him, confused, he continued haltingly, “Wh-when you were staring...staring at the ground?”

Her cheeks flushed, recalling the exhilaration of the unknown. “Nothing important, Kitty,” she breathed. There was the barest of smiles on her face and it made his heart drop as it disappeared. “I have to go. See you in two days?” Cat Noir nodded, his heart in his throat. Without another word, Ladybug flitted away. Cat Noir swallowed thickly as he identified why exactly he had been nervous.

When he startled her, when she had almost fallen over the edge, Ladybug never even reached for her yo-yo.

...o{0}o…

Marinette settled into her bed for the night, coming down from the adrenaline high of being Ladybug. She might just get sleep for once. Patrolling was the only time she could forget her failures, where she could revel in feeling something other than emotional pain. She had begun to cry at first, the dam breaking as her adrenaline spiked while swinging through the air at incredible speeds, but as the wind dried the tears, she was able to focus on the physical strain her body required as she catapulted across Paris. If just for a little while, she was able to forget that she was the reason everything had gone so wrong.

Marinette pitied Cat Noir, having to be partnered with such a failure, so she always tried to offer him what support she could by way of smiling at his puns. He was perfect in every way that she was not and the least she could do was give him that. Why he stuck around she couldn’t fathom, but despite her constantly simmering self doubt, she couldn’t bring herself to give up on him. It wasn’t fair to him and it wasn’t fair to the people of Paris. She had already done enough damage, she didn’t need to do more.  _ Would it matter, though?  _ her doubt whispered.

The raven haired girl shook her head, her lids growing heavy. It had been an impulse, to step closer to the edge, to stare at the concrete below almost as if it was inviting her. What would happen? How would it feel? She already knew what it was like to plummet at terminal velocity, years of flicking her yo-yo at the last possible moment always saving her, so why did the urge to jump seem so enticing? She had been contemplating just that when Cat had startled her. Not contemplating jumping, no, but rather the urge that seemed paramount up until the very moment Cat spoke. It was the same thoughts that lulled her off to sleep. Why did she want to jump?


	2. Some People Lose Their First Love

Some People Lose Their First Love

“Adrien.”

What had she been looking at? He hadn’t seen anything on the ground, nothing that he could think would be so interesting that she would stare at it instead of the lights of Paris. There had just been a dumpster and some pallets, a few pylons near a garage door, and cement. Was she formulating a plan?

“Adrien…”

A plan for what? And even if she was, she was just staring, her beautiful blue eyes unfocused. There hadn’t been the look of determination and resolve she usually had whilst fighting akumatized victims. She had just been staring, vacantly, straight down at the ground; and when he had startled her, she never even tried to save herself. What had she been thinking?

“ADRIEN.”

She had almost fallen over the edge, stumbling before catching herself, and he never would have had a chance, even with his cat-like reflexes, to catch her before she went over...but she hadn’t even tried to save herself, either. Sure, she probably would have grabbed her yo-yo as she fell before swinging away to safety, but she hadn’t even reached for it! She couldn’t have known she wouldn’t have fallen, could she? Even so, he would have reached for his baton just in case, out of instinct. Where was Ladybug’s instinct? Had it gone to the wayside like her determination, her sense of justice? It had been missing - 

“ADRIEN!” The blond model jumped slightly, startled, and partially stood in his seat. Kagami never raised her voice, what was wrong? His eyes darted around, looking for the threat, body ready to flee to find a place to transform. When he realized, however, that Kagami was still seated, hands calmly folded on the table, he lowered back into his seat. “Adrien,” she said, a hint of sadness flitting across her usually cool features, “your inattention is hurtful.”

“I’m sorry, Kagami,” he winced, “I was just thinking about - “

“Marinette?”

“What? No,” he frowned, confused. “Why would I - “

“Lila?”

“Kagami…”

“Chloe?” There was the sadness again, but that time it wasn’t fleeting. Her features were once again placid.

“Kagami, what’s wrong?” he reached across the table to hold her hands in his. When he squeezed, her lands stayed limp.

“It is clear you do not want to be here right now, Adrien,” Kagami said plainly. “I would not want you to do anything you do not want to do.”

“I do want to be here! I’m sorry, Kagami, I really am.” He squeezed her hands again. Nothing. He frowned.

“Then why are you with your thoughts instead of here with me?” She still hadn’t squeezed back and he pulled his hands back into his lap.

“I have a friend…” He struggled to find the words. How was he going to tell her it was Ladybug and not sound like a crazed fan? Kagami knew his friends, so would she believe him? “She hasn’t been herself lately and I’m worried.”

“Which friend?” Kagami tilted her head inquisitively, her tranquil features never changing.

“I - she - she asked me not to tell anyone,” he rushed, hating that he was technically lying to his girlfriend. Ladybug definitely did want anyone to know her civilian identity, that much was true, but he didn’t know it so he couldn’t tell anyway. Adrien mentally cursed the complications of his double life then met Kagami’s eyes, hoping she would see his sincerity. “I  _ want _ to be here, OK?” Kagami offered a single jolting nod.

“Hai.”

Then came the screams.

A car crushed the front of the small cafe, crumpling against the metal frames that held the now shattering glass of the cafe’s windows. Adrien jumped to his feet to shield Kagami but found her standing next to him instead. “We have to get out of here!” he shouted, hoping she could hear him above the screaming. Kagami nodded and Adrien fished for a way to get somewhere by himself without it being suspicious. He looked over the cafe and its patrons, and Kagami seemed to notice the other patrons struggling to find safety at the same time he did.

“You help them, I will get the rest,” she ordered. He nodded and made his way towards the people closest to the display counter.

“Back here,” he hissed, helping a couple and their child behind the counter. “Stay down.” Then Adrien went back for a woman who was reluctant to leave her laptop behind. “It’s crushed, leave it. You can get it when Ladybug fixes everything!” He finally convinced the woman and she followed him back behind the counter. The blond poked his head over the counter and noticed Kagami focused on helping an elderly woman to the restrooms to hide. He took the chance when he had it and fled into the kitchen, offering some excuse to the couple and woman that he was going to check on the people in the kitchen.

Everyone in the kitchen was crouched, hiding, so technically he wasn’t lying as he raced past them to find the door into the alley. He fervently checked his surroundings, making sure he was alone. With two short words, Adrien Agreste became Cat Noir.

...o{0}o…

A bear of a woman stood before Ladybug, mouth agape and slavering as the red and black heroine dodged her swiping claws. Cat Noir vaulted across the park, over mounds of thick moss that stood out amongst the previously smooth landscape, and came to land behind his partner, skidding to a stop next to her.

“This could be grizzly,” he commented nonchalantly as he leapt back and out of the woman’s reach. Her hands had turned into paws with long black claws and a large muscle had sprouted from her back, covered in thick fur. She wore ragged clothes that had probably torn when she was akumatized, he noted, but the black cat hero could not immediately identify the item that held the akuma. He left that up to Ladybug as he engaged the woman, drawing her attention towards him to free up his partner.

Cat Noir drew the woman across the park and away from Ladybug. An unfortunate miscalculation sent him soaring as the bear woman’s paw caught him in the ribcage. Cat Noir crashed through one of the mossen mounds and the woman roared, a beastly noise that made Cat Noir wonder how it could have come from a human throat. The pain in his side was bearable, for now, and he stood to take stock of his surroundings. The high pitched screams of terrified children made Cat Noir flatten his ears, his hackles rising as the end of his tail twitched. As more screams erupted, he finally realized where from they were coming.

There were at least a dozen children in the mound with him, each encased in their own barbaric barricade of pillowy moss. He checked each of them, mentally calculating how many mounds he had seen earlier, then realizing just how many children the woman had abducted. He had to tell Ladybug. The Parisian hero reassured the children that they were safe before vaulting out of the earthen dome. He was fairly certain that mama bear wasn’t going to harm them.

“You leave the children alone! No one can hurt them there!” Cat Noir had to let Ladybug know what he had found. “Leave. Them. Alone!” She continued to swipe at him and he expertly jumped out of the way, making his way towards Ladybug. Where was she, anyway, and what was she doing? Usually he distracted while she formulated, but his partner wasn’t issuing instructions like she usually did. Had she had enough time to figure out where the akuma was hiding?

“Ladybug!” he shouted, hoping she would reveal her location to give him some sort of bearing on the situation.

“Up here,” Ladybug called back. He spotted her atop a nearby building and bound his way toward it before extending his baton downward to shoot him upward. Cat Noir landed next to her, a memory annoyingly surfacing before he shoved it back down. Mid-fight was not the time.

“Did you figure it out?” She seemed distracted and he only hoped she was watching the bear woman.

“Figure what out?” Did she really just say that? What was going on with her? He was beginning to lose his patience.

“Where the akuma is, maybe?” he asked, grinding his teeth.

“Oh! Oh yeah!”  _ Really?  _ he thought. “It’s in her purse.”

He didn’t mind taking the hits for her, really, but it irked him a little that he had been taking them unnecessarily. “You think you could have - “ He shook his head, thinking,  _ Now’s not the time. _ “That’s unbearable,” he smirked instead, giving her a two-fingered salute. “There are cubs buried in those mounds, so look bear-fore you leap. Ready, Bugaboo?” Even that didn’t elicit a reaction, not the reaction he intended, anyway. All she did was nod and grab her yo-yo, never making eye contact.

Cat Noir bound off the building and back into the fray, focusing only on defeating the akumatized victim. If he didn’t, he’d be too worried about his Lady and that would only put both of them in danger. The fight was a quick one, the woman having only wanted to protect all the children. Ladybug’s cleansing magic returned the kids to their parents safely and Cat Noir felt a fleeting twinge of jealousy as he watched parents everywhere sweep their children into bear hugs. He missed that feeling but the void was something he had grown used to it. Ladybug offered him a half-hearted “Pound it!” before swinging away, leaving Cat Noir alone once more. Then - 

“Shit! Kagami!”

By the time he made it to the cafe, though, she was nowhere to be found.

...o{0}o…

**Luka:** hey pretty lady, how was ur day?

**Marinette:** ok

**Luka:** no, how was it really?

**Marinette:** ok

Luka sighed and let his phone fall to his chest. One word answers again, just great. He had tried everything he could think of to get her back to herself but it just wasn’t working anymore...and he wasn’t sure just how much longer he could do it.

**Luka:** do u want 2 get ice cream later?

**Marinette:** sure

Did he really have to make all of the effort?

**Luka:** when?

**Marinette:** whenever

Yes, it seemed. Did she even care about him anymore?

**Luka:** 6?

**Marinette:** no

**Luka:** 5?

**Marinette:** no

He growled, frustrated. He wasn’t even worth the effort of her giving him the courtesy of working this out together.

**Luka:** ok, when works 4 u?

**Marinette:** whenever

**Luka:** fine, I’m going 2 b @ Andres @ 4

If she chose to be there, too, all the better…but not all the easier, he decided with finality. Maybe he’d give her a chance, in person, but with the way things had been going lately, he wasn’t too sure it would go in his favor.

**Marinette:** ok

Luka arrived at Andre’s at 10 to 4, nervously fiddling with his phone while he waited for Marinette to arrive. He didn’t want to hurt her, he loved her after all, but was that enough? Something had happened a month ago, right after she had broken down in his arms, and she hadn’t been the same since. At first it was clear she was trying, but it hadn’t even taken a week before her song had changed. The once flitting melody that filled his head and fueled his smile whenever he thought of her had taken a downward spiral, deeper tones, slower and drawn out. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the song anymore, it was just that it was uncomfortably unfamiliar and something about it just made his skin crawl. It was almost like looking at a different face in the mirror. It wasn’t the song he had fallen for, it wasn’t the Marinette he knew. He had been trying to rewrite it to no avail, the new tune ploddingly willful, but there was no reworking a song that refused to be reworked.

As Marinette approached, the dirge began in his head again, doleful and light before turning dutiful as if it was simply going through the motions. His heart waited for the celebration of life to push through the forlorn piece, hoping beyond hope that what he knew wasn’t true: it wouldn’t come. He smiled at her and he thought for a moment that he saw a small smile flit across her face but it was gone before he could be sure. Luka swallowed thickly, preparing to do what he did not want to do but knowing he needed to do it anyway. His heart began a staccato beat in his chest and his palms began to sweat.

“Hey,” he said smoothly, “I wasn’t sure you would come.” It was true, but he hadn’t meant it to sound so harsh.

Marinette shrugged without much enthusiasm and mumbled, “Me, either.” She toed something on the ground, not making eye contact with him. It was clear to Luka that Marinette was unhappy, hurt even, and although he did not want to add to the pain she carried, he couldn’t continue on like this. It was a song that didn’t fit anymore, the supporting left hand on the piano off-tempo and out of tune with the melodious right hand.

“I’m so sorry, Marinette,” he began, a caesura erupting when the beautiful girl before him shook her head.

“It’s OK, Luka, you don’t have to say it. I understand,” she interrupted. Was she trying to save  _ him _ from the pain he was trying to cause  _ her _ ? Finally, she dragged her eyes up to meet his and for the first time in he didn’t know how long, there was pure, unbridled emotion there. He wasn’t sure which emotion, but at least it was emotion! It tugged at his heartstrings and for a brief moment, Luka reconsidered breaking up with her. Then he realized that he couldn’t break his own heart just to see any shred of emotion from hers; it wasn’t a note he could sustain any longer lest his own song break down, too.

“Marinette…” He wanted to hold her, to apologize, to hear her beautiful melody sing in his ears, but her song had changed, and he couldn’t hear it at all anymore, not really.

“Really, Luka. I’m sorry. It’s - it’s my fault. I’m sorry, OK? I’m really, really sorry.” Then she was gone, running away from him. He called after her, running for a few steps in hopes he could catch her, but it was to no avail; she was too quick. He at least wanted to explain himself, to let her know that he wanted nothing more to hear her bright song again, but that he couldn’t wait for it at the expense of his own beat.

Luka dropped his head, shuffling home. How could Marinette take the blame onto herself when he was the one breaking up with her? He hoped, at the very least, they could remain friends, but even then, he wasn’t sure that would be possible until she was willing to help herself.


	3. Some Lose The Harmony In Their Relationship

Some Lose The Harmony In Their Relationship

“I no longer wish to continue this romantic relationship, Adrien.” The words echoed in his ears hours later. He had never intended to hurt Kagami, but she was right. Although he was always physically present when he could be, he was not always mentally so. It didn’t help that he’d sneak away or cancel their plans last minute. He understood why it seemed like he had no interest, but he couldn’t very well tell her that he was Cat Noir and that he was only standing her up to go save Paris.  _ That was something she would understand, at least _ , he thought.

The way she stood beside him, quickly formulating a plan and executing it rather than standing behind him for protection...was almost like Ladybug. Almost. The eyes were all wrong, and although Adrien knew better than anyone that Kagami wasn’t  _ always _ so reserved as she led on, she just didn’t have the same fire that Ladybug did. He wasn’t comparing her to Ladybug, he lied to himself, just checking reasons that they could not be one and the same.

Maybe that was why he liked her so much, though, because she was so much like Ladybug. She was fierce, independent, a fighter. A pang of guilt twisted his stomach. How long had she been fighting for his attention without him realizing it? Long enough to convince her that he did not care about her the way she cared about him. He  _ did _ care about her, though! A lot...almost like Ladybug. Adrien dropped his head into his hands and scrubbed at his face.  _ It’s not the same. _

He leaned back on his bed, legs still over the edge, and covered his face with a pillow before silently screaming into it. He was just going to have to accept the fact that he would never have a normal relationship with a woman. It would be easy to have shallow relationships, those without love, only lust. Hell, he was a model, it would be  _ too easy _ , but that simply wasn’t what he wanted. Adrien wanted a woman he could share  _ everything _ with, including that he moonlighted as Cat Noir. That Cat Noir wasn’t just some suit and character he put on. That Cat Noir was  _ him _ in a way he never could be in public.

It had to be Ladybug or no one, he realized, and she had made it very clear that she had feelings for someone else.  _ I do, too!, _ he thought,  _ but she doesn’t have them for me anymore and I have no one to blame but myself. _ It was better that way, though; then he wouldn’t have to break Kagami’s heart later when she started questioning why he was always sneaking off, accusing him of cheating. That’s what it would always come to, he knew, if he couldn’t share his most guarded secret with his girlfriend, fiance, wife, whichever. That wasn’t the type of life he wanted to have, one based on half-truths, lies, secrets. He wanted something open and honest. Ladybug was the only one he could have that with, who would understand the double life he led...and she didn’t want it. Not with him, anyway.

Adrien  _ tried _ with Kagami, he really did. She understood him in a way that almost no one else could. Kagami completely understood the overbearing parent and overbooked schedule, but, he realized belatedly, that made what time they had together even more special and he was always ruining it by canceling, rushing away, or being emotionally distant. No wonder she had dumped him. He really didn’t blame her and only wished that she could forgive him. He wasn’t going to ask for a second chance, that would only be more hurtful in the end, but he wanted to remain friends for as long as she’d let them. It would leave a void to no longer have in his life someone who understood him like that. There was only one person who understood him better…

What was with her lately anyway? During their latest fight, it had been like she wasn’t even trying nor really even cared. His puns had gone unnoticed. Usually she would at least groan or push him away, but even the worst of his worst hadn’t elicited any sort of reaction. Then she hadn’t even bothered to be quick about finding out where the akuma was hiding nor how they were going to vanquish it. Did she not realize it  _ hurt _ through his suit? Was hers not the same? And what about the roof?

Exactly  _ what _ had she been thinking? He didn’t think she was going to jump, but what the hell was she staring at? And why was it such a vacant stare? What was going on with her? He looked at the giant clock on his wall, begrudgingly pulling the pillow off of his face, and calculated the time before patrol, vowing to himself that he was going to ask her that very question.

...o{0}o…

“Ladybug,” he said by way of greeting. At least she nodded at him, which was more than he expected. His tail relaxed a little and he fought the urge to tuck it between his legs. 

“Cat Noir.” Her tone was plain, belying nothing of her mood. It was neither formal nor curt, friendly nor jubilant. It just was, but it definitely solidified his resolve to ask her what was going on with her as of late. “Are you ready? I’ll take the south, you the north?” She pulled out her yo-yo before he could answer, but he grabbed her wrist.

“Wait.” Cat Noir swallowed thickly, his throat suddenly tight. He willed his tail to still.

Finally,  _ finally _ , she looked at him, her beautiful blue eyes wide with confusion.

“We,” he took a deep breath, the second half coming out as one word, “weneedtotalk.” Her mouth made a little ‘o’ shape and her eyebrows disappeared under her bangs. That didn’t help his nerves any, but he was Cat Noir, a renowned smooth talker; he could do this. “Please.”

“O-OK.” It was her turn to be nervous, apparently, and he was just glad that he even got that reaction out of her.

“Sit?” She nodded and he sat down beside her, both their legs dangling over the ledge. “Ladybug, I - ” How exactly was he going to approach this? What should he say? He had spent so much time convincing himself that it needed to be done that he forgot to consider the how. Then it occurred to him that he was going to approach it much like he approached everything else as Cat Noir - full steam, straight ahead. “What’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself lately.” He found his tail in his hands as he fiddled with it anxiously.

Her whole body stiffened next to his before she very slowly turned towards him. Her face was pale yellow, her cheeks sunken every so slightly. She looked on the verge of crying but she took a deep breath before continuing, no tears shed. “You’d never understand,” she murmured, dragging her eyes away from his before he could see anything in them. What was that saying about eyes being the windows to the soul? Was she afraid of what he would see there? Why?

“The fuck I wouldn’t,” he blurted, resisting the urge to take it back. He stared at her hoping she would cave under his gaze and look back at him.

“You  _ wouldn’t _ , Cat Noir, you  _ can’t. _ ”

“I want to, but you won’t give me the chance!” Cat Noir grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face him. He wasn’t going to give her the chance to hide from him again like she had been for over a month.

“This isn’t about you!” she growled, breaking his grip with a violent twist of her shoulders. Then she was gone without warning, plummeting over the edge and zipping her yo-yo out at the last second to whisk her up and away. The words died on Cat Noir’s tongue before he could say them. He knew it wasn’t about him, but he just wanted to help. How were they supposed to be partners if she was keeping things from him? Heartache burned in his chest, and it was then he realized just how Kagami probably felt. He was ruining everything.

...o{0}o…

_ I shouldn’t have said anything, _ he admonished himself as he skidded across the ground on his back.  _ This is my punishment, I guess. _ Cat Noir threw his legs into the air and snapped his torso upright, never using his hands to come to his feet. He shook vigorously beginning at his head and ending at his tail. “Well, that just won’t dew,” he quipped as he leaped over a small puddle, “Cats don’t like water.” He shook again to get the last of the drops off his back.

Once again, he didn’t know where Ladybug was. In fact, over the last few weeks, she was nearly impossible to find during fights let alone understand. She had just finished yelling at him for using his cataclysm at the wrong time when a stream of water swept him off his feet. Now she was mad at him and was letting him take all the hits to make up for it. He shook that thought away. No, she was probably just formulating a plan or putting it into action. At least that’s what he told himself.

“Ladybug!” he shouted for her, vaulting away from the beam of water directed at him. “I could use your help right about now!” She didn’t answer but he wasn’t entirely surprised. His ring beeped again and he desperately looked for cover. “Hopefully you’ll set everything back to normal,” he grumbled as he realized he was going to have to let The Aquifer destroy Paris while he fed Plagg. Doubt seeped in; he wasn’t so sure anymore that she would in fact fix everything.

Cat Noir bound between neaeby buildings, splashing through puddles as he went. Hopefully The Aquifer would focus on his personal vendetta rather than pursuing Hawkmoth’s task and would leave Cat Noir alone. He shot down an alley and ducked into the alcove of a shop’s backdoor. Thankfully, it was locked; he hoped no one needed to use it anytime soon. With a flash of green, Cat Noir transformed back into Adrien, Plagg zipping out of the now plain grey ring.

“I’m exhausted!” Plagg whined. Adrien offered the kwami a piece of camembert, apologizing as he explained they weren’t quite done yet. “Whhhhy?” The lazy kwami pouted before huffing out, “Fine.”

“Just eat up, OK? I’ll try to hurry. If Ladybug would just  _ help _ ...” he trailed off, not wanting to think about what would happen if she didn’t.

“Cat Noir?” Her ears must have been ringing. She was somewhere above him but he didn’t dare to peek his head out.

“Water you doing? Stay there!” he shouted out to her.

“This is no time to mess around!” Her exasperated voice drew closer.

“I’m serious, stay there! I’m - I’m not Cat Noir right now,” he called, his voice slightly echoing.

“Why did you detransform? You can’t just let him destroy Paris because - ”

“Yeah, like I’m doing this on purpose, right?” He almost sounded like Plagg with the biting sarcasm.

“Well...you’re the one who used your cataclysm too early.” She must have been just around the corner; he had no fear that she would look.  _ She has made her opinion on that very clear _ , he thought sardonically, rolling his eyes as Plagg stuffed his face.

“And that wasn’t your fault at all?” he accused.

“No, it wasn’t! If you’d just - “ A green flash cut her short.

“If I’d just  _ what _ , Ladybug?” Cat Noir stared down at her as he stepped around the corner, waiting until the silence grew uncomfortable, then waiting some more. He almost faltered in his resolve at the way she stared back up at him. For a moment, he thought he saw her bottom lip quiver. “I’m not wading around while you fish for a dam answer. Just make sure you dew your part and stay out of my way.” The black clad superhero extended his baton without further ado and left his partner behind. If she didn’t want to fight  _ beside _ him, so be it, but he wasn’t going to let her fight  _ with _ him. It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to taking the hits for her anyway. He was just taking more of them now.

That became painfully obvious just a few moments later. A shot from The Aquifer’s water cannon sent Cat Noir careening into a lightpost, his right side taking the brunt of the impact. The magical suit absorbed some of the blow and he struggled to ignore the pain as it washed over him. He had sacrificed his own wellbeing, hell is  _ life _ , more than once for her, and he would continue to do it to the end of his days, but that didn’t mean he had to especially  _ like  _ it. He winced as he rose to his feet yet again, trying to hide that he was using his baton to help.

He found himself on his back again just a moment later, spluttering as he choked on even more water. Was she really that pissed at him that she’d let him drown? What difference did it make? Cat Noir rose once again, grim determination cemented on his face. With or without her help, he was going to defeat The Aquifer. Somewhere to his right, he heard her cry out for her Lucky Charm but it was too little too late. Inky magic swirled around his outstretched hand and he balled it into a fist. If she wasn’t going to communicate her plan with him, he was going to take matters into his own hands. Besides, he wasn’t too sure just how many more hits he could take. It was becoming hard to breathe and he wondered wearily if his right lung was collapsing.

Reckless as always, Cat Noir charged forward, luckily dodging the blasts of water shot his way. Somewhere behind him he could hear Ladybug shouting.

...o{0}o…

“Why am I so stupid?” Adrien groaned, gingerly pulling his shirt over his head with only his left arm. Plagg was hovering just over his right shoulder and even the usually apathetic kwami winced a little at the sight.

“Because you love her.” Adrien kept his eyes on the bruise that blossomed purple and maroon across his ribcage, feathering his fingers across it and hissing in pain when he touched an especially sensitive spot. He blatantly ignored Plagg because he knew it was true; there was no sense arguing. Apparently, however, that was exactly what Plagg was looking for. “I’m not sure why…” the kwami trailed off, shoving another piece of cheese into his mouth, baiting the blond.

Adrien’s face darkened a little. “You  _ know _ why, Plagg.” He slowly stretched his left arm up above his head first, then his right, getting a sense for his range of motion and just how careful he’d have to move at school the next day so no one would notice. He grunted as pain radiated across his abdomen and chest then down his side and around to his back. It must have been pretty bad if Ladybug’s cleansing magic had left so much damage for his body to heal naturally. Maybe thinking his lung was collapsing wasn’t so far fetched. Minor scrapes and bruises were healed instantly, but the worse the injury was the less the magic was able to heal it. It would heal on its own in time, and faster than most normal injuries, but it hurt all the same nonetheless. As he always had, Adrien would endure. Cat Noir would endure. Anything for Ladybug.  _ Anything. _

“Not anymore, I don’t!” Plagg’s nasally voice cut through his thoughts. Adrien’s green eyes shot to Plagg’s, narrowing dangerously.

“Plagg, you know I will  _ always _ be loyal to her,” he said as a warning, voice low.

“And for what?” Plagg flew between Adrien and the mirror to meet him eye to eye. “So she can stand there while you get hurt? Yell at you for at least  _ trying _ because she’s too scared to? So you can die for her and she can live happily ever after with the guy she just  _ claims _ to love so much?”

“ _ Plagg _ .” Adrien’s low growl did not phase the kwami in the least. The small black creature closed the already short gap between them. Had he been bigger, he’d have jabbed a finger into Adrien’s chest as punctuation.

“Would she do the same for you, Adrien?” the kwami asked forcefully, eyes unwavering. He raised his voice ever so slightly. “Would she?!” Adrien stared at him hard, his chest heaving in panic as reality swept over him. “Would she, Adrien?” Truth was, he wasn’t so sure anymore, and that scared him more than anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hiya! I guess it’s about time I introduce myself. I first wrote fanfic over 15 years ago (between The Goblet of Fire and The Half Blood Prince!) and now that I’m old (OK, I’m not that old), I find myself writing again for this fandom and I am not entirely sure why. I even found my first fanfiction.net profile and read the silly smut I wrote way back when. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Although it isn’t 100% clear on just how time progresses in the show and the consensus is that they’re still 14/15, I am aging them up based on one year per season. That means season four makes them 17/18 (or about to be). I understand that this does not conform with the French school system, but I am doing it anyway to make myself feel better about writing smut when I am not the same age as the characters.
> 
> I do not have a set upload schedule as my life is pretty hectic (I have a slew of children and am higher up in my company so things are constantly changing). I promise to complete the fic, though, and will tie up all loose ends (or what may seem to be loose ends...just give me time to get there and you’ll see!).
> 
> One more thing...there will be, in at least one chapter, sex. It is up to you guys whether it is explicit or implicit. Even if it is implicit, I can publish a separate “one-shot” that is just sin and does nothing to advance the plot. Let me know what you want and I shall deliver.


	4. Some People Lose Hope

Some People Lose Hope

Marinette allowed herself a short reprieve and let her mind wander to what Luka was doing. She wanted so badly to pick up her phone, to meet with him so she could apologize then kiss him silly.  _ No, _ she chided herself,  _ that’s selfish _ . It was undoubtedly so...and was she so desperate to feel  _ anything _ that she would hurt Luka like that? No, she knew she wouldn’t. If that were the case, she would have given in to Cat Noir long ago and without a second thought to using him.

She felt so bad for Luka and for the hurt she caused him. It was hard to swallow but she knew it had been coming. It wasn’t his fault, he had truly tried to help her, and she couldn’t blame him for giving up on her. It was no one’s fault but her own. She couldn’t ask him to put his life on hold just because she was such a mess, couldn’t ask him to fix her. That wasn’t fair to him, and he was such a kind, beautiful soul...he deserved so much more than she could ever offer him. All she would have been able to give him was a life of lies as she galavanted around leading her double life. He didn’t deserve that and she didn’t deserve him.

At first it hadn’t phased him, and he had taken her solemnity in stride just like he did everything else. He would hug her to him when she cried even if she never offered much of an explanation. He’d hold her until the tears subsided then reassure her until she couldn’t take it anymore. That was when she would still smile, she realized, when he could coax the tiniest shred of happiness to the surface. Luka had always been amazing to her, even from the start, before they were dating, and this was how she repaid him? By breaking his heart?

He played songs that matched her mood perfectly and had even worked tirelessly until he was able to play  _ her _ melody. Luka knew her so well, and yet...he didn’t really know her at all, did he? No one ever really could, she realized, not while she was still Ladybug, and even less so now that she was The Guardian. None of her friends would understand, not even Cat Noir. Nothing ever really seemed to bother her partner so he would have been unphased by becoming The Guardian; and even when something did bother him, he always bounced right back. No, she decided, he wouldn’t understand either.

Alya would understand even less so. She hero-worshipped Ladybug and would feel so betrayed. Marinette had already broken Luka’s heart, she didn’t want to do it to Alya, too. Alya, the one who talked her down from her craziest get-Adrien-to-love-me plans and saw the saner ones through even if Marinette always gave up in the end. Alya, the ferocious reporter who put her own safety on the line far too many times just to get the best Ladybug footage for her blog. Alya, the stubborn, outgoing, and downright passionate best friend. Alya, a super hero in her own right and the best pick to wield the fox Miraculous. 

Maybe Alya would understand why she had to keep it a secret. After all, the redhead had never mentioned to Marinette that she was Rena Rouge, so just maybe. On the other hand, Marinette scolded herself, that was practically a one-off, not a full time gig like Ladybug. Marinette called her best friend yet she had been lying to her for  _ years _ . All the excuses, all the redirects when Alya tried to discuss her theories before and after publishing them on the Ladyblog. How would Alya ever forgive her? How  _ could _ she ever forgive her? Marinette completely understood if Alya couldn’t find it in herself to do so. It wasn’t her fault, after all, it was Marinette’s.

Suddenly, Marinette’s stomach dropped to her toes and as the realization swept over her, so did the nausea.

“Marinette?” Tikki asked lightly as Marinette jostled the little kwami awake in her bid to race to the sink on her vanity.

The super heroine couldn’t even answer her kwami as saliva filled her mouth. She gripped the sink and willed the bile down. Alya’s greatest dreams had come true, she had become a super heroine herself, and then Marinette had ripped it away from her in a moment of pure stupidity. How could she just  _ do _ that to Alya? To  _ any _ of them?! How would she feel if Tikki was torn away from her? Especially if it was stupid Marinette’s fault? The bile rose again and she could not bid it away.

Tikki patted Marinette’s back then pulled her hair dark aside. Once Marinette had emptied her stomach, Tikki gently offered a hand towel to her charge then resumed rubbing the girl’s back. The red and black kwami said nothing, knowing that Marinette would only disbelieve her anyway. It didn’t matter what the little kwami said, her young charge always found a way to discredit it, but Tikki had seen it before and knew she only had to persevere so Marinette could soon, too.

Marinette rested her head on the cool porcelain for a moment after wiping her mouth with the proffered hand towel. She turned on the sink and swished water in her mouth before spitting it out. The nausea had subsided but the pain remained. How could she have done that to Alya, Luka, Nino, Max,  _ them all?! _ How dare she rip away a once in a lifetime chance? A dream come true? Now it was her responsibility as The Guardian to confront them all and eat crow for it. It had to be done, there was no getting around it, and only she could do it. Only Ladybug could confront them all and she would have to genuinely apologize...and poor Marinette would have to deal with the fall out in person. At least everyone else would be able to understand what they were going through. Afterall, everyone else knew their alter egos and they didn’t have to keep it secret anymore. It was for that very reason she would never be able to give them each a Miraculous again...and it was all her fault. How could she have been so careless?

It was a question she asked herself everyday, nearly every few hours at the least. How could she have been so careless? Everyone had suffered because of it, too. Paris, her class, her friends, her parents, Master Fu. Everyone but Cat Noir, it seemed. Was it his usual resilience or was it something else? How did he always bounce back? How did he always land on his feet?

When she doubted herself, whether it was Marinette or even when it was Ladybug, he was there. When she was too scared to move, he was there. When she questioned every decision she made, those as small as breathing and those as great as accepting her Miraculous, he was there. When Ladybug froze in fear, it wasn’t fear of her opponent. No, it was fear of failing, fear of being the reason Cat Noir hurt, fear of disappointment, fear of Paris falling, fear of Hawkmoth winning; and even then, Cat Noir was there. How could she keep failing him so badly and why the hell did he stick around anyway? She was the worst partner, unworthy of the Ladybug Miraculous, and yet...he was there.

She hadn’t meant to accuse him of just letting The Aquifer destroy Paris. It had just come out of her mouth unbidden. She had actually been accusing herself, but had accidentally said it to Cat Noir instead. Then when he used his cataclysm...her breath hitched in her throat again. She drew a sharp breath in between her teeth and clamped her eyes shut. “I thought he was - “ No, she couldn’t say it out loud. The hair on her arms stood on end and she ignored the shiver that followed.

Marinette dabbed at the sweat on her brow then dropped the towel next to her sink. She took a hard look at herself in the mirror, searching for...she didn’t know what. A reason to live? Hope? Her self worth?

She swallowed thickly, forcing the pain back down deep, down somewhere it wouldn’t show. “ _ If I’d just  _ what _ , Ladybug?” _ he’d asked.  _ If you’d just stay  _ safe! “I can’t lose you, too, Cat.” As she turned to climb into her bed, she didn’t allow herself to say what she was thinking. Anyone  _ but you, Cat. _

The duvet was cool beneath her and Marinette stared straight up at the ceiling, biting down on her lip before it could quiver. She took a shuddering breath and hoped it wouldn’t draw Tikki’s attention. Blue eyes screwed shut against the incoming onslaught of tears and Marinette cried silently. It took everything her exhausted mind had left to not let the sobs wrack her body. Snot clogged her nose and made it impossible to breathe through and she pursed her lips together to keep the sobs in but to no avail; the floodgates opened.

Disturbed from her hiding spot, Tikki made no noise as she rose and pressed her warm body against Marinette’s cheek, hugging it as well as she could. Marinette strangled her own bawling with a pillow, squeezing it to her face so no one would hear. Tikki stayed a comforting presence and let the poor girl wear herself out even as the pillow pushed at her small body.

“It’s going to be OK, Marinette,” Tikki said softly in her usually chipper voice. Marinette shook her head vigorously in response. Tikki nuzzled into her cheek and nodded gently. “Yes, it will.”

“I - I don’t know,” the girl choked out at length, tears brimming anew as she sat up. She buried her face in the pillow again, hugging her knees to her chest and shaking her head.

“I do.” Blue eyes rose slowly, afraid to hope. Did Tikki know something she didn’t? The kwami had said it with such certainty, such conviction...but no, Marinette shook her head, she was just trying to be a good friend.

“Tikki, I - ” Marinette swallowed thickly, using a clean part of the already snot covered pillow to blot at her eyes. Tikki moved to meet her charge’s gaze and smiled warmly.

“Shhh. It’s OK, you don’t have to talk. I’ll be right here,” she comforted, squeezing Marinette’s cheek again.

The black haired girl took a deep breath and tried again. “I’m suh - ,” her jaw quivered as her lungs refused to let her mouth say it, “sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“I forgive you. We all forgive you.” Tikki was doing her best to comfort the poor girl, but even the ancient kwami wasn’t sure what to say to help Marinette.

How could anyone forgive her? She had to be the worst Ladybug in the history of the Ladybugs. Worse, she was the worst Guardian, too. She had revealed everyone’s identities and it was her sole purpose to keep them all safe; they weren’t safe anymore and it was all because of her. If anyone got hurt, it was going to be her fault and she could never forgive herself for that. She didn’t blame Tikki if the kwami couldn’t, either.

The black haired girl took another deep, shuddering breath and tried to collect herself. Tikki must have been forced to stick around, Marinette decided, because of the magic. Her hands subconsciously went to her lobes and fingered the nondescript earrings they found there. If she took them off, would Tikki be forced to leave or would she have a choice? Marinette bit down on her lip and began moving one arm around her head to remove an earring. She hesitated.

Then both hands dropped to her lap and the tears welled up again, falling upon her palms. All the kwamis knew she didn’t deserve a Miraculous, didn’t deserve to be The Guardian, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to take off the earrings she had so undeservedly been given. What would Master Fu think if he could remember and see what a mess she had made of everything? Would he still have entrusted her with the guardianship? Marinette shook her head because she knew the answer was a resounding, “No.” He never would have trusted her; he never  _ should  _ have trusted her to start. How was she going to look any of the other kwamis in the eyes with them knowing what she had done? She couldn’t, and thus in their box they remained.

_ So much for a break _ , she thought, rolling onto her side to cradle the pillow against her chest. Tikki wordlessly settled atop it, curling up to rest but never moving far from Marinette. Save for shallow breathing, the girl’s room was silent as her thoughts warred in her head. Why would anyone even  _ want _ to be her friend let alone know her? At least one thing was certain to her: if Paris knew who Ladybug really was, if they knew the superheroine was actually the colossal screw up Marinette, the whole city would disown her. What was worse, she knew she deserved it.

...o{0}o…

Marinette was very seriously considering whether all of her good deeds would effectively undo all of her bad ones when her phone buzzed. She read the text from Alya and before she could even think about responding, another one popped up; and then another one. Marinette groaned, leaning her head back against the wall near her bed. She did not have enough energy to deal with Alya’s exuberance. Not today, not after she had realized how awful Alya must feel because of what Ladybug did, what  _ she _ did.

How was Alya still so happy? Did she not realize she could never be Rena Rouge again? Did she forget by some stroke of lucky magic that the fox Miraculous could never be given to her again? What would she say when she remembered? How would she handle if, no  _ when _ , Ladybug had to break it to her? Marinette did not want to think about it, so instead, she tackled the lesser of two evils and looked back down at her phone.

**Alya:** Why didn’t you tell me?

**Alya:** You OK?

**Alya:** Marinette!

**Marinette:** what?

**Alya:** Luka, girl!!!

**Marinette:** oh yeah

**Alya:** What do you mean “oh yeah”? Are you OK?!

**Marinette:** yeah

**Alya:** Marinette

**Marinette:** alya

**Alya:** You know it’s OK to admit that you’re not OK, right?

**Marinette:** yeah

**Alya:** You know I love you, girl, buy you have GOT to snap out of it

Marinette considered her words for a moment. She knew that Alya was just a little bit right, that she couldn’t keep just going like she was, but she also had no idea what she was supposed to do to fix any of it. Was there even a way to fix it? Was it even worth it to try? Her lack of response must have concerned Alya.

**Alya:** This isn’t good for you. Everyone is starting to worry about you. Even Luka wants to know if you’re OK.

Her words stung a little; Luka was also so sweet. Here she had broken his heart and  _ he _ was worried about  _ her _ .

**Alya:** Nette! You still there?

**Marinette:** yeah

**Alya:** I know I told you that you don’t have to tell me, but…

**Marinette:** no

**Alya:** I’m not sure I can let it go anymore. I’m worried about you.

**Marinette:** i’m fine

**Alya:** No, you aren’t. Stop lying to yourself.

**Marinette:** i’m not

**Alya:** You are.

Her phone buzzed a few more times but she ignored it. Deep down, she knew Alya was right, but there was nothing she or anyone could do about it. Marinette had really screwed the pooch and for once she didn’t think she could fix it. Marinette despised liars and yet here she was, accurately accused. What Alya didn’t know is that Marinette had been lying about so much more and with every lie, Marinette was sure that Alya would hate her that much more.

On the other end, Alya sent one last text to let Marinette know that she did not have to carry the burden alone, that her friends would help her with whatever had her so blue. Then the auburn haired girl began a group text. She hesitated, her finger hovering over Adrien’s name. Then it dropped and she added Nino. She added all of the girls’ names then quickly deleted them before adding them again. Adrien’s name came off the list, then Nino’s. Then Alya added the boys again and deleted the girls. Driving herself crazy with her indecision, Alya paused and collected her thoughts before hatching a plan. The boys it was; Nino wouldn’t question her and Adrien would do anything to make his friends happy. A small part of her hoped that somehow, by some small chance, Kagami would be spared any true heartache and that Adrien would finally open his eyes to what everyone else knew. Hopefully, too, Marinette would snap out of it and leave her fear behind. Well, they’d tried crazier plans, anyway, so what was one more?


	5. Others Lose Their Patience While Others Lose Their Sould

Others Lose Their Patience While Others Lose Their Soul

She was late. Again. It wasn't that he'd never been late, either, but he couldn't really remember the last time she hadn't been late and it was really starting to grate on his nerves. Cat Noir was seriously considering starting patrol without her when his sensitive cat ears picked up the familiar sound of string zipping its load towards its destination at an incredible speed. If not for the sound of her alighting beside him, he may have heard her sniffle. It was not a brisk night.

Cat Noir refused to make eye contact as he very plainly stated the obvious. “You’re late.” This was exactly how it had gone almost every time, and before they could waste time with the same old back and forth, he rather hastily spit it out for them. “‘I’m sorry, Cat Noir’,” he said in a higher pitched voice before switching back to his own, “then I say, ‘It’s OK, Ladybug, I understand.’ and you say,” he switched again, “‘No, Cat, really…’ and then I brush you off because this happens all the time and I’m getting tired of it. Sound about right?” He hadn’t meant it to come out so harsh but now that the cat was out of the bag, there was no putting it back in.

"I'm sorry, Cat Noir," she began, but she was playing right into his script so she stopped. With a deep breath, she continued, "You're right. Is that what you want to hear?"  _ She _ hadn't meant for it to come out that way, either, but it was exactly how he heard it: full of challenging contempt.

Before she could formulate a further response, he spoke again, but his clipped words had turned defeated. “Let’s just go, I don’t even want to talk.” In silence, he extended his baton and vaulted away. It was a lie, he knew, but somehow Plagg’s words had seeped into his subconscious. Cat wanted to talk with Ladybug until he was blue in the face but when once he had been so sure of his motivations, now he wasn’t.

Cat Noir chanced a glance over his shoulder as he descended upon the next building. The defeated downward slope of his partner’s slumped shoulders almost broke him, but Ladybug determinedly squared them before shooting her yo-yo at a nearby lamp post. Satisfied that she was, for once, upholding her half of the partnership and was actively contributing instead of passively letting him get his ass kicked, the black clad hero took off again, confused as to why he felt so guilty. Hopefully patrol would help clear his head.

It didn’t, and the conversation he had with Ladybug at the end of patrol really didn’t help, either. 

“You know-” she began.

“No, I don’t,” he spat. He imagined that had he been a real cat, he’d have arched his back; his magic tail must have agreed because it was currently ramrod straight. He tried to rein in the bite in his tone but by the look on her face, he had failed. He plunged ahead anyway, his tolerance for her fickleness waning. “You made it very clear that I couldn’t.” Very softly, very dejectedly, he added, “but you never even gave me a chance.” The wind dropped from Cat’s sails and he found his tail in his hands.

He bent the supple leather back and forth, considering what to say next but also somewhat hoping that she’d say something instead. Afterall, she often led and he all too willingly followed. What had she even been thinking to say something so callous to him? To not understand what that could mean to someone like him? If anyone couldn’t know what it was like, it was her! She had accused him of not being able to know, but did she even stop to consider what it was like to be him?

Cat Noir grew angry again but tried to stop the welling feelings of disdain and derision. It was of no use, though, as they overcame his usual solid barriers and spewed forth. “You  _ never _ give me a chance. I’m only here to take the blows for you because you’re too weak to face the music yourself.” He knew he didn’t actually mean what he was saying, at least not in the way it was coming across, but he was also not doing anything to try to stop the unbidden words. Que sera, sera, right? She was going to have to hear it sooner or later and he was irritated enough that he wasn’t entirely sure he cared if sooner meant she inferred it in a manner in which he did not intend.

When she did not respond, not even a squeak or a change in her posture, he felt it was unnecessary to bother to look at her in the face. Of course his feelings did not affect her, did not spark any sort of reaction outside of callousness, so what had he expected? He had flirted and cascaded love confession after compliment after adulation, and for what? A cold shoulder and an annoyed shut down? Why was this any different? What had he expected, really? Maybe Plagg was right...maybe it just really wasn’t worth it anymore. Had it even been to begin with? Had  _ any _ of it been worth it?

“Good night, Ladybug.” Cat Noir said those lone three words for no other reason than he had no other idea as to what to say. What else  _ could  _ he say, really? He’d been talking and talking and talking for years, and for what?  _ Nothing, that’s what, _ he thought. He didn’t even bother to bid her adieu, no two finger salute, not even a safety check over his shoulder; with nothing else, he was gone.

...o{0}o…

“What were you thinking?” For once, just once, Adrien thought that maybe Plagg wasn’t being condescending. For once in all of his considerations about Plagg, Adrien was right. The kwami legitimately wanted to know what his charge was thinking.

“I don’t know,” Adrien answered truthfully. In fact, he’d been wondering the same thing for hours. What had he been thinking when he had dismissed his love so? She did  _ not _ deserve to be treated that way and yet it had rolled off his tongue so easily. He dropped his head into his hands and sighed heavily. The very first thing he needed to do was apologize, he knew, but he was more worried about if she would even give him the chance let alone accept his apology. If she didn’t, if she turned him away like she always did, he would just have to accept that. He deserved no less.

“What is  _ she _ thinking?” This time there was no doubt about Plagg’s intent; he was definitely being condescending.

Adrien stood from his couch, anger flaring. “I don’t know!” Plagg watched with a self satisfied smirk as his charge paced, hands animatedly illustrating just how frustrated the teen was. “She won’t tell me! I’m her  _ partner _ for fuck’s sake, she trusts me with her life but not... _ this _ , whatever the fuck it is. I mean, what makes her think I can’t handle it? I’ve literally  _ died _ for her! More than once! And I  _ can’t _ understand? She won’t even give me a chance!”

Plagg was known for being indulgent, so he did exactly that and egged Adrien on a little more. “What was it she said?” Plagg flew in front of Adrien. “Oh yeah, that this isn’t about  _ you _ , kid.”

“How is it  _ not _ about me, Plagg? I don’t get that either! I mean, I get that this is her deal, whatever it is, but when it directly affects me, I’m pretty sure it  _ is _ about me. She just stands there while I take all the hits and it’s like she doesn’t even care that I’m getting hurt.” He affected the same voice he had earlier that evening during patrol. “Oh, Cat Noir, you’re getting hurt? Well, I guess I’ll just take my time finding where the akuma is and I’ll just tell you when I feel like it, you can handle it, right?” The teen dropped back down onto his couch, flopping onto his back to rant at the ceiling in his own voice. “Then she accused me of wasting my Cataclysm! Like I did it on purpose! She wasn’t even helping, what else was I supposed to do? Maybe if she’d stop spacing out and actually do her part of the job!”

Oh boy, was Plagg having fun! The black kwami stifled the urge to cackle gleefully. His Sugarcube was going to be annoyed with him, but even if she did not like his approach, she could not argue with the end results. “Why bother,” he said dismissively. It had the desired effect.

“I  _ told _ you, Plagg,” Adrien practically growled.

“Yeah, and you called her weak. If you think she’s so weak, then why?”

“She’s not weak, I’m just an asshole.” Adrien covered his face again wondering how he was going to recover from that, too. It had been enough that he’d been curt, but to call her weak was simply unfair, especially because it was so patently untrue. She was the strongest person he knew. Just because she was having a moment of weakness did not make her weak, and he had probably just thrown salt in whatever wounds she was nursing. That hurt him more than anything else and he felt his chest tighten and pressure build behind his eyes. Why had he done that? “I am so sorry, Ladybug.” His throat was tight now, too, and he rolled over to bury his face in his arms.

Plagg waited, eating some brie so Nathalie would stop constantly needling Adrien about his camembert expenditures. He considered for a moment which button to push then chose one at random before jabbing at it. "You're still going to talk to her, aren't you? Listen, kid," he grabbed another piece of cheese and hovered just above the boy's nodding head, " _ If _ she forgives you, I'm just not sure she's worth it. That's why I stick with cheese. It's always forgiving and never needs an apology." Adrien’s whole body stiffened and Plagg grinned. Tikki was going to be angry.

"Plagg?" He lifted his head ever so slightly. "What if she doesn't forgive me?"

“So what?” he said flippantly, little pieces of brie squished in his cheeks. “I can’t hear you like that.”

“I said,” Adrien lifted his head fully and turned his upper body to look at Plagg, “what do you mean? It would devastate me. I...I don’t know what I’d do if she...if she...” Adrien looked like he was about to hyperventilate. Plagg was kind enough to derail the panic train for the kid.

“You’d live, that’s what you’d do. She’s not worth it, kid, trust me. Let her go now before she destroys you.” The black kwami watched as Adrien dropped his head in defeat, shaking it gently from side to side. Scratch that, Tikki was going to be  _ furious _ .

...o{0}o…

Her parents couldn’t know so there was no way for them to understand; same with Alya. The only person she could tell about being the Guardian was Cat Noir and she had fucked that up royally. The one person she thought would always be by her side wanted nothing to do with her and it was all her fault. She didn’t blame him. She had been the worst partner and he was finally getting fed up with her. It wouldn’t be long before he left her, too. She would be friendless and she had no one to blame but herself. She was pushing them all away and she knew it but she felt completely helpless to stop it. What could she do if they decided they didn’t like her anymore? Nothing, nothing at all, because she simply wasn’t worthy.

Was that what it was like to be the Guardian? Was she destined to live a life of loneliness like Master Fu? She’d never be able to have a family and that was one of the few things she had always been certain about in her life: growing a family with someone she loved. Secrets were going to ruin her life, already had ruined her life  _ and _ her future. No one would ever trust her again once they knew how much of a liar she was. Secrets made her lie to everyone she loved and sooner or later they were going to leave her for it. It would be easier if they just left her now. Cat Noir was already on his way out, anyway.

Tikki was the only one left to confide in but her constant positivity and “wait and see” approach did nothing to relieve Marinette’s hopelessness. In fact it was becoming quite grating but Marinette didn’t have the heart to tell Tikki to shut it. It was like the red kwami was completely glossing over her distress, dismissing her concerns in a bid to keep her happy, like if she ignored what was troubling her it would just go away. Marinette knew that Tikki meant well but it just wasn’t enough. The teen wasn’t sure if anything would ever be enough, if  _ she _ would ever be enough…

How could she ever be enough when it felt like part of her was missing? Worse, she didn’t know which part it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I could just not get Adrien to talk...so Plagg got his chance instead, which just helped Adrien talk anyway. I thought Marinette would talk easily, too, but that wasn’t in the cards, either. I don’t like this chapter, it just wouldn’t cooperate.
> 
> The reveal is in Chapter 7!!! Just wanted to put that out there, too...


	6. Some Lose Their Certainties And Some Have Nothing To Lose

Some Lose Their Certainties And Some Have Nothing To Lose

The lunch hour could not have come soon enough. Marinette did not necessarily want to have to dodge her friends’ questions and concerned looks, but it was better than trying to focus on her school work so she didn’t fail in that regard, too. If she could just maintain her grades, maybe her parents wouldn’t notice, and if they didn’t notice, she would have less questions to answer; some questions had no answers and she wasn’t prepared to lie to them any more than she already had to. It was bad enough that she was lying to her friends, but her parents were another matter completely.

The black haired girl played the part and followed Alya to the locker room. She overheard her best friend making plans for lunch with Nino and she already knew she had no choice but to join. Alya was going to drag her along regardless and it was easier to just not fight it anymore. The auburn haired girl had been making a point to chaperone her best friend at all times if she could help it. That included no eating lunch alone even if the reporter had to pay for it. She never did but she had made it very clear that she would. Belatedly, Marinette realized that lunch with Nino meant lunch with Adrien. It didn’t make her heart flutter like it used to, nothing did really, but it was one small ray of sunshine in her otherwise overcast sky. Sometimes Adrien could even get her to smile when no one else could. She was almost looking forward to it...if she’d allow herself.

“Him, too? Is it contagious or something?” Marinette had tuned back in and was lost, but it wasn’t like the New Marinette to ask for clarification; it wasn’t like she had anything to add to the conversation anyway. Even if she did, she was pretty sure she wouldn’t bother saying it, either.

“I don’t know, babe,” Nino shrugged, “maybe it’s in the water.”

“Being a loser is  _ totally _ in the water, Has-been! Even a Miraculous can’t cure that!”

It was one thing to trod all over her, but to attack her friends was another. Additionally, it was Marinette’s fault their Miraculous had been taken away and she wasn’t about to let Chloe Bourgeois remind them of the gaping wounds she herself had caused. An echo of Tikki’s voice reminded her that it wasn’t entirely her fault even if she felt like it was.

“Are you ever going to take responsibility for your part in that?”

“What would  _ you  _ even know about it, Marinette Dupain-Cheng? It’s not like you’ve ever held a Miraculous!”

“You had a Miraculous  _ and _ an akuma, Chloe Bourgeois, and yet you’re still wretched.  _ That’s _ what I know.”

Chloe was speechless for the second time in less than two weeks. Arms straight down to her sides, fists balled, she shoved past the trio, shouldering Marinette as hard as she could; Marinette stood her ground, though, and the physical contact shook the blonde harder than it did the raven haired girl. A primal screech erupted from Chloe as she stormed off and it echoed for a moment before everyone started talking at once. Everyone but Marinette.

“Girl, what has gotten into you? Not that I’m complaining!”

“Dudette, that was brilliant!”

“Hey, did you hear what Marinette just said? Yeah, that was her!”

“You should have seen Chloe’s face!”

Adrien approached just then but he looked distracted. Had he heard what she said? She was too emotionally spent to care if he approved or not but for a split second she was worried he would disapprove. What did it matter if he did? Once he found out everything else she’d done he’d hate her anyway.

“Hey, dude, you joining us for lunch?” It was a given but Nino asked anyway.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. I guess.” He cleared his throat and nodded. “Yes, just let me text Nathalie.”

“See, babe?” Nino whispered to Alya while using his eyes to emphasize that he was talking about Adrien. Alya responded with a decisive nod and Marinette could all but see the cogs turning.

Marinette was quiet as they strode to a nearby cafe. She could hear the others talking but it was as if they were in another room: she could hear the sounds of conversation but wasn’t focusing enough to gather the content. Instead, the secret superhero was deeply considering the malleability of life. Just a few months ago she had been certain of so many things and now not a single one of them was even a possibility. Children? Nope. Love of her life? Out of the question. Growing old with someone? She snorted at her own thoughts. If she did in fact live long enough to be considered old, sure, but then she’d keep getting older and older and older as everyone she had ever known died off and she just kept getting older. Then she’d lose it all when her memory was stripped from her for the sake of the Miraculous. Even the kwamis would leave her eventually.

With even the kwamis being an uncertainty, it occurred to her then more than ever that all of this meant that Cat Noir was no longer a certainty. She had always known, even before the Guardianship, that Tikki would have to leave her much in the way adult children knew one day their parents would leave them. It had only just occurred to her that Cat Noir would have to leave her, too. That, one day, her partner was going to turn around and never come back; that, one day, there would be no one left that knew what she was thinking every step of the way; that, one day, Cat Noir would not be there to pick her back up when she fell. Marinette struggled to strangle the sob that roiled in her chest as she realized that that one day may have already passed. Her knees went weak and she stumbled. Not Cat Noir, too.

“Nette, you OK?” Alya stopped first and then the boys realized that the group wasn’t together.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” she tried to choke out but her chest was too tight to breathe fully. She sucked in some air, then some more, and finally she said, “I think I just need to sit down.” How on earth was she going to play this one off? If she panicked now there was no way she would convince them that nothing was wrong.

“We’re almost there. Do you think you can make it?” Usually, Alya would do her best to make the situation as uncomfortable as possible by suggesting that Adrien could carry Marinette, but she had given up on that ever since New Marinette had taken residence. All Marinette could do was nod as she focused on keeping her breathing even. She could feel Tikki vibrating with worry in her purse but there was nothing to do about it, not now while she was in public.

“What happened? You almost fell!” Nino’s face was wrought with worry.

“I forgot to eat breakfast this morning...and dinner last night.” The lie came too easily, and although her not eating was worrisome, it was a drop in the bucket compared to what she was really hiding. If she could just keep them focused on that maybe they wouldn’t notice the panic seizing her body and mind in its relentless grip. “I just need something to eat?”

It worked. Her friends focused on getting her to the cafe where she could sit down to eat. They ordered an appetizer to tide her over until her meal came, and although they were used to New Marinette not talking very much, it was a breath of fresh air that she seemed to open up for once. She apologized for making them worry and promised she would not forget to eat a meal again. Once she began to eat, though, their attention thankfully turned elsewhere and she slowly phased out of the conversation, staring at her plate as she chewed. 

All Marinette was thinking about was the way her life was now spiraling even more out of her control. What would she do without Cat Noir? And why had she never noticed before exactly how central he was in her life? He sacrificed himself for her time and again, acting as her shield so she could cleanse the akuma and restore all the damage done. He was the one person who could understand the toll having a secret identity could have on someone, how all of the lying became tiresome. The only one who could understand what a burden having a Miraculous truly was and how having it thrust upon them at such a young age had changed the entire course of their lives...and she had pushed him away at every turn even though he always came back. 

She wasn’t so certain he would come back anymore. She was almost certain he wouldn’t. She was completely certain she couldn’t blame him if he chose not to. She was uncertain that it wouldn’t undo her if he didn’t. What he said to her the other night was accurate even if it did hurt. It stung even more coming from him of all people. She  _ was _ weak and even though he hadn’t actually said it, she agreed with what was left unspoken: she didn’t deserve a Miraculous, didn’t deserve the Guardianship, and she certainly didn’t deserve him.

Marinette stood up as her world came crashing down around her at the very thought. She clamped a hand over her mouth as her food threatened to reappear. Alya was right behind her as she found the nearest bin and emptied her stomach into it; she was vaguely aware of the other girl rubbing her back and offering soothing words but everything was a blur as her vision narrowed, the blackness at the edges bearing down until she could see nothing at all. Her hearing went, too, Alya’s shouts for help waned as the raven haired girl dropped to her knees. The last thought she had was of Cat Noir before she fully passed out.

...o{0}o…

Cat Noir stood atop a skyscraper in Les Olympiades and looked down at the people bustling about the Pagode. The wind buffeting against his body kept him upright as he leaned just over the edge. He closed his eyes and let his feline senses drive as blood rose to the uncovered parts of his face to keep them warm. His tail lashed behind him and he held his arms out to his sides as he focused on the way the wind made him feel. Someone had told him it was called grounding or something like that. He was supposed to focus on the things he knew for certain instead of worrying about the things he could not control. That lasted about just as long as it took him to think about it.

He stepped back from the ledge and took refuge back behind the lip of it where the wind could no longer reach him. The wind he could not change, he knew, but it had been nice to imagine just for a moment that he could control how it made him feel and that it would whisk away all of his worries. It nipped at his cheeks and made him feel alive as it sluiced over his super suit, whipping his hair about and making it look even wilder than it already did as Cat Noir. Wait, maybe that’s what they meant about grounding. He  _ knew _ how it made him feel while everything else was up in the air. He was doing it again, he knew, avoiding that actual topic and dismissing it under one umbrella name as “everything”. What else was he supposed to do, though, when there was so much of it?

Kagami wouldn’t talk to him at all, wouldn’t even let him apologize or attempt to explain himself. He didn’t really blame her and wasn’t all that surprised, but it was eating him up inside that she wouldn’t even give him the time of day. He had never meant to hurt her, she needed to know that. No,  _ he _ needed her to know that. He was mentally kicking himself for even trying to begin with when he knew deep down that it never would have worked. He’d known that from the start and had been too afraid to admit it to himself. He had hoped it wasn’t so...but he didn’t have much hope left now. Hope for that or anything else for that matter, what with how Ladybug was acting

He still couldn’t figure her out, and now he was worried he had pushed too hard and she would not forgive him. Kagami wouldn’t forgive him a simple mishap so why would Ladybug forgive him such a major transgression? He had called her weak, had belittled her, had snapped at her...it would be his own fault if she didn’t forgive him. He swallowed thickly and leaned his head back. Taking a deep breath, he settled on creating a plan of action. He at least had to try even if he thought it was no use. What else did he have to lose?

Nothing. Sure, school could go away and he could lose his friends, but he had dealt with that the majority of his life and he could do it again if he had to. He didn’t want to, but it was nothing he couldn’t overcome. Any semblance of a real relationship had gone out the window with Kagami. No, he couldn’t blame her. He knew before but was too afraid to admit that it would never work out. Ladybug didn’t want him in that way and she was the only one he could have that with; no one else would accept all of the lies. The older he got, the more he understood that. Lies strained even the smallest and most insignificant of relationships; a romantic relationship would never endure. Even if she did want him that way, she had to forgive him first, and he was pretty sure that just wasn’t going to happen. Nope, he had nothing left to lose.

The baton on his back beeped and Cat Noir pulled the device open only to be greeted with an akuma alert in the 8th arrondissement. He stood and extended his baton to his height. A very Plagg-like grin stretched across his face, barely visible in the dark above the city. If he had nothing to lose, this was going to be one hell of a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once I got the last chapter out (a Herculean effort, I swear) this once just came right along.
> 
> Next chapter is the reveal! Dun dun dun!
> 
> Also, thank you to everyone for all of the support!


	7. Experiencing Loss Is A Part Of Life But Good Things Come, Too

Experiencing Loss Is A Part Of Life But Good Things Come, Too

Ladybug had beat him there and was already engaged in the fight. He sardonically thought how nice it was to see her fighting rather than frozen in fear. The victim was held aloft by yards of multicolored fabric that sprouted from her back like silken tentacles. Ladybug expertly dodged the attacks, lassoing her yo-yo around some to yank the woman off balance and deflecting others by using her yo-yo as a shield. As he ran up beside her, he heard the victim shout, "I am Fabricator and you will give me your Miraculous before I string up all of Paris!"

"More like Fabric Hater," he snorted as he came up behind Ladybug's yo-yo shield. "Is that polyester?"

"It's about time." Ladybug didn't even look at him. Cat Noir slung his baton over his shoulders and nonchalantly draped his wrists over the top.

"I could say the same thing."

"What's that supposed to mean?" At least that time she looked at him, glaring over her shoulder in his direction.

"Whatever you want it to. Now you stay here like you do and I'll go get the bad guy. Let me know if you feel up to it." Condescension was so easy when he thought he had nothing to lose. He swallowed the guilt bubbling just below the surface and reminded himself that he was there for a fight. It was about high time he went to find it.

To say that Fabricator was underwhelming was an understatement. The battle was over in mere minutes and had left Cat Noir's thirst for a fight unquenched. His whole body felt tense, like yarn stretched too tight, and the anticipation of his now unused Cataclysm set his skin alight. He prowled back and forth behind Ladybug as she comforted the victim, tail lashing out behind him. His cat ears twitched as he heard her Miraculous beep an alert of impending transformation. Ladybug turned to face him and he froze, one foot off the ground and tail now stock still. The look on her face could be described as simmering rage or maybe unbridled fury. She came up to his side and still he didn’t move.

“Eiffel Tower. Now.” Her words were clipped but even. He didn't argue but rather spun on his heel and took off. She was not far behind, zipping along behind him in the dark. Mere moments after his boots hit the metal beams, she lambasted him.

"What was that all about? You going to tell me or are you just going to keep insulting me?"

He turned at her and hissed, teeth bared. "Does the truth hurt, Ladybug? Because I can tell you that taking all the hits for you sure as shit does."

"I never asked you to take all of the hits, Cat Noir, that was your choice!" She was on the defensive, backing up as he strode towards her with every accusation.

"You mean like it was my choice to have  _ you _ as a partner?" He was vaguely aware of a beeping noise but he hadn’t used his Cataclysm so he paid it no mind.

"That's not fair - “

“No, you know what’s not fair? You standing there watching me sacrifice myself for you over and over and over and you just not giving a shit about it.  _ That’s _ what’s not fair.”

“I care! How dare you - “

“How dare  _ you. _ ” His eyes narrowed dangerously, an annoying beep sounding somewhere nearby. “What are you so afraid of Ladybug? Huh?”

Her back hit a beam behind her and she fumbled to find the words, stammering out a simple, “I - I - I can’t tell you.” She would meet his eyes.

Cat Noir usually loomed above her but he brought his face down to be even with hers, to look her directly in the eye while he realized the fight he’d actually been seeking. “Can’t?” he bared his teeth again and hissed, “ _ Won’t _ .”

Something in Marinette broke. “I’ve had enough,” she said dangerously low.

“Oh?  _ You’ve _ had enough? Listen, Ladybug - “

“No,  _ you _ listen.” Ladybug was on the offense and she jabbed a finger into Cat Noir’s chest. Surprised, he took a step back, standing to his full height. “I have taken on more responsibility than you can imagine and I don’t need your shit on top of it, too.” There was that niggling beep again.

“Like what?” he challenged.

“I am the  _ Guardian _ and there is  _ no one _ to teach me how.” She punctuated each point with a jab of her finger and her voice grew louder as she went. “It’s my  _ fault _ . Master Fu is  _ gone _ and I am the only one to  _ blame _ . I can’t tell  _ anyone _ , I have no one to  _ share _ this with, and every time I  _ lie _ about it, I just  _ push _ everyone further away!” She was yelling as she finished.

“Everyone but me, right?” His back hit a beam as the beeping increased.

The world stopped, his heart stopped, his mind stopped as he belatedly realized what was about to happen. Her beautiful cerulean eyes narrowed in slow motion and her finger looked like it was dragging through water as it went to jab him in the chest one more time. Cat Noir whipped his eyes back to her face and tried to bring up a hand to stop her tirade. He didn’t want her to be mad at him for this, too.

“No, you stupid cat! I’m afraid of losing  _ you _ most of all!” Their noses were millimetres apart and she had him backed into a beam. He could feel her hot breath ghost across his face. There was a flash of pink in his peripherals and Cat Noir steeled himself as the magic washed over her.

Everything moved in a frenzy as his mind zippered all of the facts together. Later he would have to pull them apart and piece them back together one by one, but for that moment, his mind jumped to all of the conclusions for him. Ladybug was Marinette and suddenly so much finally made sense. He used the last breath he had to say, "Claws in."

She jammed her hand over his mouth, eyes wide. "You can't!" she screeched.

"Too late, m'lady." At last his eyes broke away and he looked down. She did, too, and for what seemed like forever, she did nothing; she didn't look up, she didn't speak, she didn't breathe.

Then her mouth was on his and instinctively Adrien placed one hand around her waist. The other hand went up between her shoulder blades and pressed her chest to his. There was no question in their minds: this was right. Marinette’s arms snaked up around his neck and one hand pressed against the nape as she surged forward with her mouth. Her hands retreated slightly, then, and cupped either side of his face. He was breathless as she pulled away.

Both of them were panting, searching each other's eyes, their hands still in place. Then they were kissing again and Adrien let his hands roam lower until he cupped her buttocks to bring her entire body even closer. He was vaguely aware of her breasts pressed against his chest but all of his blood redirected lower when she jumped up and wrapped her legs around his waist. There was no way she couldn’t feel it now.

Supporting her with his hands, he turned and pushed her up against the beam instead, ravaging her mouth with his. Adrien broke away to trail hot, sloppy kisses across her cheek to her ear and she acquiesced by turning her head for better access. Marinette mewled when he took her earlobe between his teeth, nibbling before continuing his path down her neck. The scoop neck she was wearing couldn't have been more convenient as his mouth settled on her collarbone and nipped at the delicate skin. She mewled again and he felt her legs tighten around his waist. There was no hiding it now and he didn’t try as he pressed his hard on against her. Marinette ran her hands through his hair and squeezed, pulling it just so, and he felt an odd rumbling sensation in his chest. Using her hands in his hair, she redirected his mouth back to her own and moaned into it as the perfect kisses continued.

Marinette rolled her hips against his as best she could from her position, flexing her thighs to bring their bodies even closer together. She could feel his erection pressing against her and it drove her desire skyward. She dug her nails into his chest then her hands plummeted to sneak beneath the hem of his shirt, fingers ghosting back up to his chest. They were as far upward as they would go and she raked her nails down his chest, grinning gleefully against his mouth as his muscles flexed beneath the attention she gave them. He moaned in response and slowly slid his hands up to her hips, then up her sides. She realized he had lifted her shirt ever so slightly when she felt his thumbs trace the bottom of her breasts. Marinette wiggled a little and grinned at the groan she elicited from her partner.

At last they pulled apart, forehead resting upon forehead, theirs chests heaving as they panted, breathless. “It’s you,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut before he looked up at her. Then a grin spread across his entire face and lit up his eyes as the joy bubbled over into his voice. “It’s you!”

Marinette didn’t even know what to think so she didn’t. All she knew was that Cat Noir was Adrien Agreste and she was on cloud nine. After months of all time lows, she was higher than high and she didn’t second guess a single second of it. Not yet, anyway. That could wait for later. In that moment, she was too focused on the sparkle in his eye and trying to reconcile the fact that she had spent years turning down Cat Noir for himself.

“Hi, Kitty,” she said, suddenly shy. The blush that blossomed across her cheeks made him kiss her again, overcome by how incredibly cute and endearing she was. It was a side he had seen in Marinette a million times over but had never stopped to think about recognizing in Ladybug.

“Hey, Bugaboo.” The grin never left his face and only grew larger when he saw the sparkle in her eyes return. He’d missed that as of late, in both Marinette and Ladybug, he realized. Her hands relaxed from his hair and her arms enveloped his neck as she squeezed him tightly, burying her face into the crevice between his neck and shoulder. The rumbling sensation returned and he tried to squash it as he realized what he thought it was. How embarrassing. Why now?

She loosened her legs about his waist and he slowly lowered her to the ground, her hands sliding down to rest on his chest right next to her face. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. Marinette sighed contentedly just before the floodgates opened. She could only hold it back for so long, especially wrapped in the safety of his arms, and her emotions were so high on so many levels that she was surprised she had been able to hold it in this long. Bottom lip quivering, she choked it all back in the same way she had for the last however many weeks before finally mumbling, “Can we talk?”

“Let me apologize first?” he requested gently before swallowing thickly. Without waiting for an answer, he barreled forward. “I am so sorry. I let my anger get the best of me. I am so selfish. I can’t imagine what it’s like taking on that type of burden and all I did was make it worse by being a total asshat. I am so sorry, Marinette. I don’t blame you if you never forgive me, but please know I am so sorry and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you’ll let me.  _ Please. _ ”

It took him a few seconds to realize that she didn’t respond because she was sobbing. He wrapped her tighter in his arms, and when he felt her knees weaken, he helped slowly lower her down until they were both sitting. He never loosened his grip and said nothing as she balled his shirt in her fists and clung to him. Adrien rubbed her back and nuzzled the top of her head with his cheek, offering whatever physical comfort he could. Finally, slowly, her sobs subsided, and when her breathing evened, she spoke through the hiccoughs.

“I’m - I’m not ready to - to tell you ever - everything, but I - I want to tell you that I’m - I’m sorry, too. For everything. I was so afraid of - of screwing up a - again and of losing - ing you, too, that I couldn’t mo - move some - sometimes.” She let out a big sigh and he heard only one more hiccough before she continued. “I didn’t mean to hurt you or to let you get hurt. Please, please,  _ please _ forgive me.” She pulled back far enough to look up at him with watery blue eyes, searching his for an answer, pleading.

“Oh, Bugaboo, I could never stay mad at you.” The words came automatically but he knew they were true. Once he pulled his own head out of his ass, he’d forgive her anything. He lovingly rubbed his nose against hers before kissing her forehead. “Just please say you forgive me, too.”  _ I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t _ , he thought _ , especially now that I found you _ . With his chin resting on top of her head, he felt her nod and he squeezed her, almost afraid of letting go. There was nothing he could do, try as he might, to stop the rumbling this time. A purr started deep in his chest and spread out as it grew stronger and steadier.

"You...purr?" she asked quietly, looking up at him curiously.

"Uh, yeah," he chuckled nervously, "I guess I do? It's new." He resisted the urge to scratch his neck; he definitely didn’t want to let go of Marinette, afraid that he might lose that moment forever.

"I like it," she whispered as she nuzzled in closer. He squeezed her tight and let his rumbling purr fill the silence.

Adrien belatedly realized that the kwamis were nowhere to be seen and he made a note to thank them for that later. He wanted to just bask in the joy of Ladybug being Marinette and everything that came with it but his mind would not rest as it flitted from emotion to emotion. He finally knew who his lady was and the fact that it was someone he already knew so well was only icing on the cake. She had always said it was too dangerous to know each other’s identities, so what would happen now? Was this the last time he would see her as Ladybug? He could always see her as Marinette afterwards but it wouldn’t be the same. Or would it? Did he care if he had to give up his Miraculous now that his everyday Ladybug and his actual Ladybug were one and the same? These were all things he could think about later...right? They could wait? Yes, they could wait.  _ Right?! _ They would have to, at any rate, because he was not moving until he absolutely had to.

Would this change anything? Would Marinette let him date her in their civilian lives? What about as Ladybug? Would she let him kiss her again?  _ Oh please, yes, please, yes. _ Would she let him do more? The very thought made his throat tighten and he cleared it with a little cough. That must have startled her out of her own reverie because she brought her head up off his chest to look at him, concern etched across her face.

“Are you cold, Kitty?” There were those brilliant eyes again and he couldn’t look away, entranced.

“How cold I be with the prettiest girl to keep me warm?” The pun was a deflection; he was more than warm. Truthfully, he was all hot and bothered. “Be chill, my beating heart!” He threw his head back dramatically and placed one hand on his chest next to her head.

Marinette nearly fell over giggling, doubling over but never entirely leaving the spot up against his body that she had settled so comfortably into. “What?” he asked incredulously. “They’re funny now but they weren’t before?”

“It’s just,” she inhaled deeply, trying to stifle the giddy giggles, “I just - not from  _ Adrien _ . It’s...it’s too much!”

“Too much what, M’lady?” He leaned in close and let loose with a Cat Noir grin. “Choosing your pun-ishment, are you?” She shook her head, shaking with silent laughter as her face turned red.

“I can’t,” she gasped before the laughter finally spilled over. Marinette fell sideways into Adrien’s chest, chortles mixed among giggles and guffaws. It was so refreshing to see such unbridled joy return to Marinette that Adrien realized he would do anything to see it stay there forever. He hoped Marinette felt the same way.  _ Please. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're not even halfway done...there is still more angst to come, but I promise a happy ending!


	8. Expect The Unexpected And Embrace It

Expect The Unexpected And Embrace It

Marinette finally got an entire night’s rest but it was from pure exhaustion. Just when she thought she could not be more emotionally spent, she not only found out Cat Noir’s identity, who just so happened to be Adrien Agreste, but she had made out with him, then cried on him, then fallen into a fit of giggles, then kissed him goodnight with promises to talk the next day. Well, it was the next day and she woke with a start realizing that she would see him in class in less time than she was prepared for. Tikki was rattled awake as Marinette fumbled for her phone on the shelf. There were only two hours left before school and that was not enough time. What was she going to do? What was she going to say? What was  _ he _ going to do? Would he pretend to not know her? Pretend it never happened? Spurn her now that he saw her in the light...for who she truly was?

“Oh no, what am I going to do?” she whined into her knees, hugging them to her chest. Tikki hovered above her and Marinette finally made eye contact. “What am I going to do, Tikki?”

“First, you’re going to take a shower, Marinette. Clear your mind. Then we’re going to talk. OK?”

“But - “

“No ‘buts’, Marinette, shower first, thinking second,” she said sagely.

Marinette acquiesced and fumbled down the ladder from her bed, nodding while she tried to keep her mind blank. It was a futile task but she tried and tried as she went through the motions of showering. She stood in the hot water for a moment, doing nothing but watching the water sluice down her body. Then, just out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a dark spot on her collarbone. Then another, and she was half mortified and half smirking as she realized that Adrien Agreste of all people had left a trail of hickies that began there and ended at the notch just where her collarbones met. Then the panic struck. How was she going to hide it?! Should she hide it?  _ Yes, absolutely _ ! Why?  _ It’s embarrassing! _ But what about Adrien?  _ What about him?! _ He may blush and stammer and it would be super cute.  _ No! I’m covering them up! _

The teen hurried through the rest of her shower just in case the first application of makeup wouldn’t cover it and she had to remove it before trying again. She stood in her towel and tried and tried to conceal the love bites but no matter what she did, they were still just barely there. She dressed and did her hair, hoping that if she stopped staring at them they would become less noticeable. It took four shirt changes to find one that would hide them if she was careful about how she moved. They were going to have to have a serious talk about that. She stomped her foot in frustration at him. A very serious talk.

There were still thirty minutes left before she had to leave for school and she thanked Tikki for helping her keep her mind calm with the kwami’s simple instructions. However, the hour and a half she had spent distracting herself was now condensed into just thirty minutes and Old Marinette seeped through with her catastrophizing. “Tikki! What if Alya sees? What if she asks?  _ What do I say?! _ ”

“Just tell her the truth, Marinette.”

“I can’t tell her that Adrien is Cat Noir and that we made out at the top of the Eiffel Tower because I also just happen to be Ladybug!” she screeched incredulously, pulling on her pigtails.

“Not all of the truth, just some of the truth.”

“Like what? That Adrien did it?” Tikki nodded emphatically. “She would think I’m lying!” 

“Is that so bad?”

“I hate lying, Tikki, you know that.”

“But you wouldn’t be lying, Marinette,” Tikki said.

“Alya wouldn’t know that!”

Tikki flew down in front of Marinette and brought her attention to focus on the kwami. “Marinette, Alya is your best friend. You’ve been hiding things from her for months. She will understand.”

“I’m not so sure anymore,” she bit her bottom lip before resuming pacing. “I’ve been hiding things from her for  _ years _ and the more I hide, the less likely she is to forgive me if she ever finds out.”

“You forgive Adrien, don’t you?”

“I forgive Cat Noir if that’s what you’re asking.”

“They’re the same people. Don’t you see?”

“Are they, though?”

“ _ Yes _ , Marinette, they are!”

“What if they’re not? What if Adrien decides it was a mistake and Cat Noir never talks to me again? What if he’s right and I am just weak? What if knowing who he is ruins everything?” Then it hit her like a tidal wave, crushing the wind from her lungs as the edges of her vision went hazy white. They were to never reveal their civilian identities to each other or they would have to give up their Miraculouses. How would she ever find the strength to take the ring from him? She  _ was _ weak; she couldn’t do it. Her throat felt like it was closing in and her palms were sweating profusely. “Tikki?”

The little red kwami flew closer. “Yes, Marinette?”

“What if I take his Miraculous and he never speaks to me again?” she squeaked.

“That’s not going to happen.”

“But what if it does? Those  _ are _ the rules after all.” Her vision was returning.

“No, Marinette, those were  _ Master Fu’s _ rules.”

Marinette froze, slowly turning her head to look at her kwami. “Wha-what?” She leaned forward in anticipation.

“They were Master Fu’s rules. He didn’t want to lose another Miraculous so he was very strict. You don’t have to have the same rules, it’s up to you. You’re the Guardian now, Marinette, you decide.”

“I - I can’t make the rules!” she stammered. “I’m - I’m not ready for this!” How did they get from Adrien to being the Guardian? “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier!?”

Tikki’s voice belied the patience of a saint...or the thousands of years old creature that she was...but she barely contained her sigh. “I’ve been trying to. Every time you start talking about being the Guardian, when you think I can’t hear you, I can, but you never hear  _ me _ . It’s like you’re in a trance or something.” Marinette’s lip quivered and she sucked in a deep breath. “I’ve been telling you that you’re not alone because you aren’t. All of us kwamis can help you if you’d just let us.”

The tears finally came as Marinette let a weight free from her shoulders. She cupped her hands and Tikki settled into them before she brought the little kwami to her cheek. “I’m so sorry Tikki. You’re right. I’ve been terrible. You’ve just been trying to help and I keep ignoring you.”

Tikki hugged Marinette’s cheek, closing her eyes. “I already told you, Marinette. We forgive you.”

...o{0}o…

Adrien sat in his seat, knee bouncing anxiously. He had gone home a very happy yet very frustrated male teenager. After taking care of some business, he still couldn’t stop thinking about Marinette, his lady, Ladybug, Princess, Bugaboo, but he slept happily when sleep finally came. He woke up before his alarm, replaying some of his dreams as he washed his hair, hoping the faint red lines down his chest would disappear before his next photo shoot, and took care of some more business. Then, as he brushed his teeth, he replayed more of his dreams, reveling in the fact they could now be reality...if only she’d let him.

He came down from his high ever so slightly as he considered that she had always strictly denied him knowing her identity. He was pretty sure she had even said once that if they knew, if they revealed themselves, they’d have to give up their Miraculouses.  _ Well, _ he thought as he patted his shirt,  _ I’d really miss you, Plagg. _ If it meant being with Marinette forever, though, it was a sacrifice he was willing to make. He never stopped to consider that maybe Marinette wouldn’t want him forever. No, he was too happy for that.  _ Is this why people think I’m reckless? _ he thought for a fleeting moment. Just like that, though, the thought was gone, and he was back to waiting impatiently for Marinette to come into the classroom. 

At first, he had considered waiting outside on the steps but was worried he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from running to her when he saw her, no matter how far away it was. Marinette would probably not react too kindly to that, he realized, as she never quite liked the public displays of affection from Cat Noir. Then again, that was Cat Noir and he was Adrien, and that was when she was Ladybug but now she was Marinette. He didn’t want to chance it, though, not at least until he got to talk to her more about what their exact status was. Things had been too heavy, emotionally, for them to really hash anything out the night before. They’d acknowledged that it needed to be addressed, at least, but they hadn’t taken into account that they’d have to see each other at school before that could ever happen. Thus there Adrien sat, anxious, knee bouncing like a jackhammer.

It didn’t help that he had been thirty minutes early while Marinette was almost guaranteed to arrive just moments before the bell rang, but he couldn’t sleep and there was only so much else he could do to keep himself occupied. There were only five minutes left, though, and he hoped she would arrive at least early enough for him to say hello. He’d been thinking about that moment all morning. How was he going to approach her? Greet her? Try not to kiss her senseless? The very thought made his pants uncomfortably tight and he willed his body to behave.  _ Oh fuck _ , he thought,  _ what if I start to purr? _

The whole thing had been new and he knew that if it was anything like his tail, he was going to have to learn to control it. Thankfully, he did not have a tail when he was not Cat Noir because if he did, it would probably wrap itself around Marinette by its own freewill and he was not sure he would have the self discipline to stop it. He wanted to wrap himself around Marinette, how could he tell his tail ‘no’? But the purr...what was he going to do if it started when he saw her? How was he going to explain it away? Suddenly his knee stilled as he froze in fear. What if someone else heard?

Of course that was when Marinette finally arrived and his head snapped in her direction. Adrien swallowed thickly, and when she spared him a bashful glance, his entire face lit up with a grin. He tried to contain himself and cleared his throat, trying to act as natural as possible. “Hey, Marinette,” he said as he scratched the back of his neck nervously.

“Hi, Adrien.” She smiled and waved at him. He noticed that she was unusually excited about something, even for Old Marinette. She was grinning from ear to ear like she couldn’t contain herself. He hoped that smile was for him. As she passed by, she whispered something for only him to hear. “I make the rules.” It concerned him and for a moment he thought she was going to tell him that she didn’t want him to kiss her ever again, but when he looked up at her face he saw barely contained joy. What did she mean, then?

“You look happy for once,” Alya observed aloud, nudging Marinette. “Did your fall knock some sense into you?” Adrien whipped to face forward. Had she not told her best friend? He hadn’t told Nino, after all, but girls were different...weren’t they? Adrien was afraid of giving anything away, anything at all, so he stared straight ahead and strained his ears to listen to their conversation. He didn’t have to, because when Marinette didn’t answer, Alya turned her attention to the boys in the seats in front of her for back up. “Look, doesn’t she actually look alive?”

Nino turned first and Adrien felt obligated to follow suit even though he was struck silent with anxiety. It would look weird if he didn’t...right? He was so afraid of appearing unnatural that he was afraid he was appearing unnatural in trying too hard to not appear unnatural. He didn’t know what to do with his hands. Marinette was blushing but also grinning; maybe he should relax a little. Maybe he should be a little bit more Cat Noir. After all, Cat Noir had 1000% more charisma and 1000% more puns. Nino spoke first. “More color at least.”

“What’s the matter, Marinette, cat got your tongue?” It was bold, and for a second he thought it had backfired, but the dusty pink on her cheeks turned to a rose red despite the smile that lit up her eyes and he knew that it was a hit. He better not push too far, though, he decided.

“Maybe I took some catnip last night and could use a cat nap now,” she shrugged, trying to be nonchalant despite the rosy flush that had now spread down to her chest. That was when he noticed it. Maybe no one else would have, but he had enough experience in the makeup chair to notice she was trying to cover something just there, along her collarbone. If not for being supported solely by Cat Noir confidence, Adrien may have blushed. Those were  _ his _ marks after all, and it wasn’t so much that he was possessive but more that they were evidence that last night had been real. It was all real.

“Too much cat and mouse for you, Nette?”

“That’s impawsible.”

“I mew it,” he narrowed his eyes, accusing her. “You have cat scratch fever, don’t you?”

“Is it that obvious? I guess I  _ have _ been looking like something the cat dragged in.” She shrugged nonchalantly and settled into her seat, crossing her arms and looking away. “Besides, if anyone has cat  _ scratch _ fever, it’s you.”

Before Adrien could splutter and completely malfunction, Alya broke in. “OK, you two, let the cat out of the bag. What the hell is going on here?” She and Nino had been glancing at each other for reassurance that they were both witnessing the same thing. Marinette and Adrien were punning with each other and it seemed oddly sexual. Marinette burst into nervous giggles before laughing silently as Adrien squirmed in front of her. He turned away and deliberately refused to make eye contact with any of them, face flushing.

“Look!” Marinette snorted. “I broke him!” She giggled and snorted again before falling sideways into Alya, tears running down her cheeks. “I broke the great Adrien Agreste.”

Alya and Nino were still eyeing one another. “I think maybe  _ you’re _ broken, Nette,” Nino said, shaking his head as he sat down. “Whatever you’ve done to her, dude, keep doing it,” he directed at Adrien, “it’s nice to see her happy again.”

Adrien nodded just once, sharply, and white-knuckled the desk in front of him. What had he done? What had he started? He could hear Marinette struggling to breathe amidst her own laughter. Was that what it was going to be like every time he tried to flirt with her? Wait, wasn’t  _ she _ the one who was prone to stammering and tripping over her own feet?  _ Two can play at this game, Bugaboo. I’ll just be more prepared next time. _


	9. Each First Time Is An Adventure And Who Knows How Far These Adventures Will Lead You

Each First Time Is An Adventure And Who Knows How Far These Adventures Will Lead You

**Alya** : What did you do to her?

**Adrien** : Me?

**Alya** : Yes, you!

**Adrien** : Nothing, I swear!

**Nino** : its in the water. i told u babe

**Adrien** : What’s in the water?

**Alya** : Nothing, ignore him.

**Nino** : ouch

**Alya** : This is more pressing than the water!

**Alya** : I said we needed to cheer her up, not replace her with an alien!

**Adrien** : Well she seems happy now, right?

**Alya** : But what did you do to her? 

**Nino** : i mean yeah dude shes acting weird

**Adrien** : Weird how?

**Alya** : Seriously? Is he always this oblivious?

**Alya** : Are you?

**Alya** : Nevermind, don’t answer that.

**Nino** : hes been oblivious for years babe

**Alya** : Do you think she finally did it?

**Nino** : oooo maybe!

**Alya** : Why now, though?

**Nino** : dont question it too much babe just let it be

**Alya** : You know I can’t.

**Alya** : I’m going to ask her.

**Nino** : babe no

Meanwhile…

**Adrien** : Help! Get your best friend away from me! She’s vicious!

**Marinette** : adrien?

**Adrien** : Yes! Help! What do I say?

**Marinette** : you mean to tell me that model extraordinaire adrien agreste doesn’t know how to answer a reporter?

**Adrien** : You think I’m extraordinary?

**Marinette** : um...i mean...yeah?

**Adrien** : Bugaboo?

**Marinette** : it’s just...that...um

**Adrien** : I didn’t know it was possible to stammer over text

**Marinette** : not nice

**Adrien** : Are you blushing?

**Marinette** : not telling

**Adrien** : OMG you are, aren’t you?

**Marinette** : no?

**Adrien** : Have I ever told you how cute I think you are?

**Adrien** : Marinette?

Back to Alya…

**Alya** : ADRIEN, YOU ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW.

**Adrien** : Hold on you guys, I have to catch up.

While Alya waited on Adrien…

**Marinette** : HE SAID I’M CUTE

**Marinette** : WHAT DO I DO

**Marinette:** ALYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Alya** : You did pretty well yourself this morning, just do that again!

**Marinette** : that was a fluke! that wasn’t me

**Alya** : How hard did you hit your head? Are you feeling faint again?

When Marinette didn’t answer Alya right away…

**Marinette** : can we meet?

**Adrien** : Did I do something wrong?

**Marinette** : no...just

**Adrien** : Just?

**Marinette** : i have to tell you something

**Marinette** : it has to be in person

**Adrien** : This doesn’t sound good. Now?

**Marinette** : if that’s OK

**Adrien** : Yes. Where?

**Marinette** : can you come to the bakery? i can’t leave

**Adrien** : Sure.

Adrien’s hands were sweaty as he dropped his phone on his chest. He would have to sneak out as Cat Noir but if she wanted to meet him at the bakery while it was still light out, he’d have to arrive as Adrien. He ran his hands through his hair and his cheeks puffed out as he sighed. Usually he was the one who couldn’t get away and yet she was stuck at the bakery. Was she about to tell him to kick rocks? Was she going to do it in public so he couldn’t make a scene? Was she going to take his Miraculous? What did she have to tell him? Sitting around worrying about it wasn’t going to change it. “Plagg, we have to go see Ladybug,” he called to his kwami.

Plagg flew out from a cupboard and stopped just before Adrien as the teen sat up. Was that...was that what anxiety looked like on Plagg? His ears were flat and he wouldn’t make eye contact with Adrien. “Plagg?”

“Do we have to?”

“Yes, Plagg.”

The kwami sighed, defeated, and dropped his arms and head. “I guess I deserve it…” he mumbled.

“Deserve what?”

“Nothing. Let’s go.”

“Plagg, claws out!”

It was darker out than he expected and he was happy enough to see that it looked like Marinette was closing down the bakery: there were no customers and she was sweeping the floor. He watched her for a moment from across the street, smiling to himself when she tripped over what appeared to be air. He bolted across the road, though, when she collided with some chairs on her way down and took some of them with her. Thankfully, the door was still unlocked and he easily slid through and to her side.

"Here, let me help." He helped her extricate herself from the chairs and asked, “Are you OK?”

“Haha yea, I’m fine. This happens all the time.” As she stood, though, she turned bright red and began stammering, wringing her apron. “You’re good. I mean it’s good! I’m good! Everything is good!” Having been her friend for years he was used to this though he had never quite figured it out. He helped her right the chairs and push them back beneath the table. “Just give me you - I mean I’ll be right a minute,” she dropped her vermillion face into her hand and said very slowly and deliberately, “Just give me a minute and I’ll be right with you.”

He snatched her hand from her apron and brought it to his lips. “Anything for you, M’lady.” Was she turning even redder? Marinette squeezed his hand then slowly pulled it from his grasp. He thought he heard her mumble something like, “I’m not ready for this.” Not ready to break his heart  _ again _ ?

“Are you closing up?” She nodded and his palms were sweating again. Was she not going to talk to him now? Wasn’t that why she had asked him to come over to begin with anyway? “Do you want help?” She shook her head. What was he supposed to do, then? Cat Noir found his tail in his hands and he worried at the leather. He was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and it had only been a few seconds. Well, if she was closing up, he’d help anyway; it beat standing there strangling his poor tail.

Cat Noir pulled down the blinds for her and locked the front door. He caught her looking at him but she didn’t say anything, just put the broom back without another word. “Marinette - “

“We’re done,” she said simply. Cat Noir’s heart dropped to his feet and his face fell, hands limp at his sides, as a burning pressed behind his eyes. She turned towards him and when she saw his face she ran to his side. “I meant we’re done down here! We can go upstairs. I’m sorry! Cat - Adrien, I’m sorry!”

Then he sucked in a breath and he was able to think again. “Yeah, yeah,” he cleared this throat, “right. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He did, he knew exactly what he was thinking, but if she wasn’t about to tell him to get lost, what  _ had _ she asked him there for? Was she going to take his Miraculous? If she was, wouldn’t she at least seem upset instead of nervous? Wouldn’t taking his Miraculous hurt her even a little? No, he was pretty sure she wasn’t going to do that even though he would freely give it to be with her for the rest of his life. Then what?

“Follow me.” Soundlessly, he obeyed. His heart skipped again when she turned to ask him something over her shoulder. “Does Plagg like sweets? Or something else?”

“Oh, um...Claws in!” Green washed over him and the light splashed onto her as he changed back to Adrien. “Why not ask him?” They were in her family’s kitchen now and she turned, presenting her hands for Plagg to land in. Before he had a chance to warn him to behave, a high pitch voice broke through.

“Plagg!”

“Aw, not now, Sugarcube. I just got here and Marinette was going to get me some cheese!”

“Upstairs - “

“Awww, Sugar - “

“NOW!”

Plagg’s head dropped in defeat and he wordlessly followed Tikki up through the ceiling. If he hadn’t been so preoccupied with his own worries, Adrien may have laughed. As it was, he was still trying to figure out what to do with his hands.

“My parents are out for the night,” she explained, “but they said I could close up the bakery early if there weren’t any customers.” He wondered briefly if she was stalling.

“So um - “ she said at the same time he spoke.

“Marinette, I - “

“Me first?” He didn’t know what to say nor what he was  _ going _ to say, so he nodded. “You remember how I kept telling you...um...Cat Noir... I was in love with someone else?”

“How could I forget?” He had convinced himself that this was it, that she was going to turn him down; at least he got to kiss her.

“Oh, Kitty, don’t say it like that.”

“How else am I supposed to say it? Am I supposed to be happy about it?”

“No, but - “

“But what?” He wasn’t angry, just resigned. Why was she drawing it out?

“This isn’t easy for me, you know,” she said softly.

“It sure seemed easy every other time you did it.”

“Did what?” Why did she look utterly perplexed? Why didn’t she just tell him to give her his Miraculous already so he could go home and nurse his wounds.

“Told me to get lost…”

Marinette stomped her foot angrily. “No, you stupid cat! I’m  _ trying _ to tell you that I’ve been in love with  _ you _ !”

Adrien’s jaw dropped. “You...what?” It was his turn to look utterly perplexed.

“I kept turning down  _ Cat Noir _ for  _ Adrien Agreste _ .” Her voice squeaked when she said his names. He blinked rapidly. Was he really hearing her right?

Marinette stood there in her apron, flour dusting a spot in her hair. She was red from cheeks to chest and still had her fists balled at her sides. “Say something.” She sounded like she was trying to choke down a sob.

He couldn’t. His throat was tight and he was too focused on basking in her beauty and the fact that she was in love with him to try to figure out how to make any sounds. Panicking, she covered her mouth and her eyes began to water as she took a slow step backwards. “P-please say something.” Slowly, she began to shake her head, bottom lip quivering. She took another step back and bumped into the counter. “Please, Adrien.” He barely heard the plea but it finally broke him from his trance.

“I love you.”

“No,” she shook her head, unbelieving. “No. You love Ladybug.”

“Marinette, I love  _ you _ . Do you think of me as separate from Cat Noir or just another side of the same person?” He stepped towards her. He had been so in his own mind that he let his instincts take over. If this was going to be the last chance he got to tell her then he was going to make it count. He was too preoccupied with that to realize that she had already done what she called him over for and that she was not in fact going to take his Miraculous.

“Another side of the same person,” she said softly.

“Then why would it be any different?” She was shaking her head again and a few strands fell loose near the front. He cupped her cheeks in his hands and made her look up at him, her brilliant blue eyes glistening. “I love  _ you _ , Marinette, every part of you.” He kissed her forehead. “The clumsy girl.” Then both of her cheeks. Her eyes fluttered close. “The stammering mess.” He kissed her nose. “The fiercely loyal, strong willed, clever girl beneath the mask.” He kissed her mouth gently, lips barely brushing. “ _ You _ , Marinette.”

She melted into his arms and kissed him fiercely as she wrapped her arms around his neck. The fire that had been smoldering beneath the surface broke through as they clung desperately to one another. She was tired of hesitating, tired of worrying, tired of being afraid, tired of hiding. She slid her hands up his shirt, delighting in his fit body, then around to his back to pull his body to hers. She wanted to feel every part of him, to explore his body and to let him explore hers. She wanted all of him. Her nails lightly grazed his back as she dragged her hands downward, straight down the inside of his clothes to squeeze his ass. He groaned into her mouth and she grinned against his as she squeezed again.

He ran his hands up her sides and around to her back, untying the apron and lifting it over her head without breaking their kiss until the very last moment then his lips were right back on hers. His fingers dug into her hip bones as he willed his hands to behave themselves. The purr burst forth, rumbling deep in his chest, and he didn’t even try to stop it as he ghosted the back of his fingertips up her taut belly, turning his hand to palm her breast. He broke away from her lips, kissing across her cheek to nibble on her ear and she squeezed his ass again, pushing his erection against her body.

He rubbed his lips down her neck, nipping here and there, until she broke the silence and very sternly said, “No more hickies.”

“How about where no one can see them?” he mumbled against the hot skin of her chest, his chin holding back her shirt collar as he nipped at the skin. In one deft movement, he had her shirt up over her head when she didn’t protest. He threw it somewhere near where he thought the apron had landed but was more focused on suckling her beautiful pale skin. He palmed her other breast and pushed his face down into their softness. 

He was disappointed when she removed her hands from his ass but realized she was grabbing the hem of his shirt and pushing it upwards. He yanked his shirt off then tilted back down to kiss her, grabbing her ass to hoist her up around his hips. They looked into each other’s eyes, their grins spreading in unison. “I love you, Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

“I love you, too, Adrien Agreste.”

“Put me down,” she said gently, loosening her legs. He frowned slightly but lowered her. She turned and said coyly, “Follow me.” She shot him a wink over her shoulder then sauntered towards her ladder.

“I’d follow you  _ anywhere _ ,” he said lowly, appreciating the way her hips swayed as she moved. Just capris and a bra were going to be the death of him; he could only imagine how much worse he would die once he saw her in all of her naked glory. Then he raced after her and scooped her up off her feet. She squealed and threw her head back, laughing. With insultingly little effort, he carried her up the angled ladder to her room. As he replaced her feet to the floor, he bowed deeply and said, “M’lady.”

“Oh no you don’t!”

He stood upright, worried that he’d done something wrong. “What?”

“I am  _ not _ ready for Adrien Noir,” she giggled. Cat Noir’s smirk erupted on his face. “Stooooooop!” She was laughing, though, so he kept it in place as he stalked towards her. “This isn’t fair!”

“You know what’s not fair, M’lady?” he said sensually. She just shook her head, bashfully giggling. “How amazingly beautiful you are.” Almost instantly she was red but before she could retort, he silenced her with a heated kiss. Then she was fumbling with his belt and was pulling him backwards with it until the back of her legs bumped into the chaise longue. His belt made a thick whizzing sound as she pulled it free of his pants and she felt his hands slide down over her hips, deftly undoing the clasp at the front of her pants. She wiggled out of them while he kicked off his shoes and dropped his own pants, their mouths never breaking apart.

She pulled him down on top of her, scooting backwards across the chaise longue while he crawled over her. She continued backwards but he pulled away, staying where he was as she continued to move. It didn’t last but long enough for her to notice before he was kissing her thigh, higher and higher until his cheek bumped into her red panties. Her breath hitched in her chest as he continued kissing, grazing his teeth lightly over her crotch before moving up towards her bellybutton. The little nips and nibbles up her belly tickled but also felt just right and she squirmed beneath him, mewling at some of his ministrations. She could feel him grin against her skin as he continued up her body and he slid his hands up her legs, over her thighs, to her hips, then up to tease at her bra, his head just brushing against the bottoms of her breasts.

She sat up enough to tear her sports bra off up over her head then dropped down onto her back again. His hands kept traveling until he slid them under her arms and up, pushing them above her head and holding them there. His mouth was immediately on a pert nipple and he nuzzled into her breast as he gently sucked on it. She groaned breathlessly and arched her back a little as he brought one hand down to cup the breast he was giving attention to. He held both forearms in his other hand then moved to her other breast. As he dragged his lips up to her collarbone he kissed the shadow of hickies he had left there before and kissed up her neck before he pulled away to gaze into her eyes. Comfortably, he settled his weight down on top of her and she could feel his erection pressing the dampness of her own panties against her.

If not for having her hands pinned above her head as the other hand massaged her breast, she’d have raked at the muscles of his back and shoulders as he kissed her. Instead, she wrapped her legs around his waist again and ground her hips against his. She delighted in the deep throated grunt he released and did it again. His forehead dropped to hers and she heard him swallow thickly. His shimmering green eyes opened slowly and she saw the adoration there as he truly looked at her. “Marinette, I…”

He let go of her arms and breast to raise himself up on his elbows, looking down at her lovingly. “Yes, Adrien?” Her arms came down slowly as she also loosened her legs, and she rubbed her hands down his back, taking the time to appreciate every muscle she could feel. He still wasn’t speaking yet so she took the opportunity to slide her hands beneath his boxer briefs again. Instead of just squeezing, though, she used the counterpressure to grind her hips into his. He grunted again and closed his eyes. “You like that?” she smirked. All he could manage was a nod as she did it again.

He whined against her neck when she began to move her hands away and drop her feet from around him but he gladly raised his hips a little so she could slide his underwear down his thighs. He propped himself on one elbow and rolled to his side to help remove the garment before taking advantage of his position to truly look at her body. It was toned and beautiful, her breasts the perfect size for her lithe frame, her porcelain skin smooth and perfect. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered, dragging his eyes up to meet hers. He cupped her cheek with his hand and didn’t close his eyes until the very last minute when he leaned in to kiss her.

He could feel her wiggling slightly and realized as she grabbed at his hips to pull him back atop her that she had removed her own underwear, too. He moaned against her mouth as the warmth of her body mixed with his. “I...I’ve never…” he shook his head, unable to really speak because his throat was tight and he was trying to focus on not ruining the moment.

“Me either, but it’s OK,” she whispered, returning the favor as she nipped at his chest. “I’m on birth control.” She nipped again and suckled on the skin in the same spot. “Just be slow, OK?” He nodded and took a deep breath to settle his nerves. “I love you.”

He smiled then, a genuine and happy smile, and leaned down to kiss her gently. “Just tell me if it hurts.” He used one hand to position his erection between her lips, rubbing his head up and down to settle right at the entrance. Watching her face for any sign of pain, he very slowly pushed his hips forward. She hissed a little and he stopped, afraid he was hurting her.

“It doesn’t hurt, it’s just...uncomfortable. Just...give me a second.” He did, and when she nodded and opened her eyes, he pushed in a little further. She didn’t wince this time but she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Unspoken, he waited for her to nod again and he slowly moved forward until he was fully inside her. He pulled back, willing his hips to not act with a mind of their own, and pushed into her again. When Marinette finally pushed her heels into his thighs he took it as a sign that she was comfortable and he increased his pace.

Marinette scratched down his back and arched her own in time with his thrusts. One hand went to the back of his head and pulled his mouth down to hers. She tugged at his hair with both hands then and moved her mouth to gently bite his earlobe. After nibbling it for a moment, she sloppily kissed down his neck and bit down on his pec where she could see a small hickey already forming. Raking her nails down his back again, she thrust against him with her hips.

Their pace increased and Adrien was not sure how much longer he would last if she kept doing  _ that,  _ but when her hands grasped his ass again he knew it wasn’t going to be long. They were both panting, he realized, but her breathing changed then and he could feel her body tightening around him. She dropped her heels from his thighs and their position changed when her knees splayed wide. With her hands on his rear, she was pulling him into her with all of her might. His arms trembled and he dropped his forehead to her shoulder as his entire body tensed. His hips bucked hard, once, twice, thrice, and when her knees snapped to his sides and squeezed, her nails digging into his buttocks as she held him fully in and against her and her vagina pulsed around him, a long and slow fourth time.

He didn’t move until he felt her knees loosen their hold, and even then he just lowered his weight on top of her again, panting. She was, too, and only once their breathing evened did he dare move again. Very slowly, he pulled out of her and gasped when he realized how sensitive he was after sex. He made sure to never lose contact with her body as he rolled onto his side next to her and nuzzled against her neck as he draped an arm over her. They lay there in comfortable silence until the purr interrupted. He hadn’t even realized it had stopped.

Marinette giggled and suddenly Adrien was very shy. He buried his face deeper into her shoulder and refused to look at her. “Don’t laugh, it’s not funny,” he mumbled.

“Oh, Kitty, I’m not laughing because it’s funny.” She tried to turn on her side to face him but his face was glued to her shoulder in embarrassment. “I’m laughing because I’m happy.” He stopped holding her shoulder hostage with his face but only barely. She slid a hand beneath his neck and was happy to note that he draped more of his body across hers, hooking a leg across her thighs and turned slightly onto his belly. She ran her fingers through his hair with one hand and rubbed his back with the other. The purr deepened and she bit her lip despite the grin that burst across her face.

When she felt his head move she looked down to find him looking up at her, smiling contentedly and sleepily. “I love you, Bugaboo.”

“I love you, Kitty.” They shifted so their lips could meet in a chaste kiss, eyes fluttering closed for just a moment.

“Catnap?” he whined, and he smiled when she nodded.

“Catnap.”

Only after they drifted off did the kwamis come out from hiding.

“Plagg - “ Tikki hissed.

“Not now, Sugarcube,” the black kwami whined, “You don’t want to interrupt!” The red kwami was not sure which irritated her more: the fact that Plagg was right or that he was getting away with it  _ again _ .

“This isn’t over, you mangy cat.”

“Such language, Sugarcube!”

“Just you wait,” she huffed, eyes narrowing.

“Anything for you.”


	10. You Find People To Whom You Entrust Your Heart As Much As They Entrust Theirs To You

You Find People To Whom You Entrust Your Heart As Much As They Entrust Theirs To You

Thank whatever gods there were for kwamis. Plagg and Tikki had worked together (silently, and with Tikki shooting glares at Plagg throughout) to cover the couple with a light blanket from Marinette's bed. They slept soundly, barely stirring, Adrien's purr intermittent throughout the night. Tikki also helped Plagg bring their clothes upstairs before Tom and Sabine returned for the night. Although teenagers were bound to be reckless, the kwamis weren't sure that Tom and Sabine would be permissive of that amount of recklessness straight out of the gate. As far as they knew, their little girl wasn't even dating anyone.

Adrien stirred first, used to early mornings and punctuality. He blinked his eyes a few times and realized that it was still too early to be considered decent; it was still kind of dark outside and the sun hadn't quite risen fully yet. The weight of the situation finally settled on him when he tried to roll over and found his skin stuck to someone else's. A purr began gently and deep in his chest, almost inaudible, when it dawned on him just who that someone was. It was Marinette, his Ladybug, Bugaboo, and he was still draped across her as he had been when he fell asleep. Nuzzling into her neck and hair, he inhaled deeply to take in her scent before kissing her neck gently. She sighed deeply so he did it again.

"Good morning, beautiful," he mumbled against her neck, now wide awake and alert in more ways than one. If her tardiness was anything to go by, she was certainly _not_ a morning person, and he did not want to make waking any worse for her than it had to be. "Marinette, my love. I have to go." He kept kissing her neck, moving up to nibble on her ear. She sighed again and rolled into him to bury her face beneath this, away from the light.

"No you don't," she muttered, scooting even closer without opening her eyes, "you can stay here forever." When his traitorous chest purred louder, she snuggled closer even though he had just been thinking that was impossible. He looked down to see her grinning sleepily, eyes still closed.

"I have to get home before they notice I'm gone…" She opened her eyes at that, slowly blinking the sleep away. "There she is." His grin stretched across his face and Marinette's moved to match it. Then she smirked and for a moment Adrien was worried. Next thing he knew, she was on top of him and there was certainly no hiding his desire now. That had been her point, apparently, as her smirk grew into a hungry grin when she ground down against him.

" _Good_ _morning_." Her voice was sultry and she winked. That was his undoing. If he was going to be late, he was going to be late; there was nowhere else he'd rather be.

...o{0}o…

Cat Noir slid through the window and managed to shut the bathroom door just before Nathalie knocked. He turned on the shower before transforming and hoped that was signal enough to keep her from investigating further. He tore off his clothes and jumped into the shower realizing belatedly that he had a photoshoot that day and was going to have to rush. Brushing his teeth in the warm water felt weird but it was something he had learned to do having returned late more than once as Cat Noir. He ran his hands through his hair after towel drying it and, thankfully, needing to change into whatever he was modeling meant he was able to wear comfortable clothes to the studio so he quickly slipped into his every day wear, never once looking into the mirror.

Adrien spent the entire ride to the studio daydreaming, a dopey smile on his face. Thankfully, he was able to turn up the music to cover the unmistakable purr. Once he got into the chair and removed his shirt, it was the makeup artist that had to point out the very dark bite mark on his chest. He begged the artist to not tell his father and she happily obliged, grinning broadly. "I remember what it was like to be your age. Mum's the word." As he waited for the photographer to arrive, he pulled out his phone. There were tons of missed messages from Alya and Nino which he would answer later. Instead, he pulled up Marinette's messages and hastily typed a reprimand, his lips pursed.

 **Adrien** : I thought you said no more hickies

 **Marinette** : you're the one that said not where anyone could see them ;)

 **Adrien** : I'm a model…

 **Marinette** : guess you should have specified

He could see her smirk, the very one she wore earlier when she all but purred a good morning to him.

 **Adrien** : Marinette.

 **Marintte** : yes, adrien?

 **Adrien** : You're going to be the death of me

 **Adrien** : They're calling for me. I love you

 **Marinette** : love you, kitty

He had to put his phone away then as someone called for him to go change into the first outfit. He swallowed thickly and willed his erection away. If that wasn't enough, he could have sworn he was about to purr again.

...o{0}o…

Marinette was the first to come down from the emotional high as she had the least amount of distractions. She paced her room, finally letting everything come together: how she had seen Adrien scratch his neck nervously in the exact same way that Cat Noir always did, how the smirk was exactly the same, how she was going to have to live with puns for the rest of her life. That was, if he'd stay with her that long. What had Bunnyx said? That they were kind of all over the place...what did that mean? Speaking of Bunnyx...Marinette swallowed down the lump in her throat. "Cat Blanc," she whispered.

"Marinette."

"Tikki, I - " The little kwami flew to her side as the girl shook her head, tears welling unbidden.

"You're not alone, don't forget." Marinette took a deep shaky breath and nodded, silent. "We can help you."

The girl closed her eyes, a few tears falling, and willed her breathing to even. "Tikki, what about Cat Blanc? Have I ruined everything? Again?" Before Marinette could start catastrophizing, Tikki cut in. The kwami hoped Marinette was as receptive to counsel as she seemed.

"This isn't the same," she said simply, "he didn't find out the same way. It's going to be OK."

"What if I break his heart and he leaves me and _I'm_ the one that is akumatized and fills the world with water and - "

"Marinette. That isn't going to happen. He loves you and you love him. Nothing can change that."

"But what if it does, Tikki? What if being the Guardian is too much and I screw up again and he decides he can't handle my emotional baggage and all the secrets and what if he wants a family and I can't give it to him because I'm the Guardian and we won't have time for children or a hamster or it won't be safe and our kids wind up resenting me because we have to live in secrecy and they grow up isolated like their father and we can never have a normal life and - "

Tikki dropped her head as Marinette ranted despite Tikki's attempts at intervention. She was just going to have to let Marinette run out of steam. It took a few minutes, and while waiting, Tikki thought that maybe a change of topic would be best. "Marinette, don't forget that you make the rules as the Guardian. You can choose."

"What rules, Tikki? Other than identities, what rules are there?" Marinette truly couldn't think of any. "I'm not ready for this! I need more training! I can't be responsible for this, I'm barely responsible for myself! And now I have to be responsible for Adrien, too!"

"Whichever rules you want," Tikki explained. "Maybe you should talk to Adrien. He can help." For once his name did not come out as bubbles. As it was, Tikki was also being selfish in the suggestion. She needed to talk to Plagg, badly. After she had learned what he'd done, he'd been able to skate away scott free from the lambasting he knew she was preparing for him.

"Yeah, OK," Marinette said slowly, "but what do I tell him?"

As always, Tikki's answer was as infuriating as ever. "Whatever you need to tell him."

...o{0}o...

Ladybug was early for once. She was so nervous that she had not been able to wait in her room, and gallivanting around in her super hero suit for an hour hadn't been much help, either. She paced atop the Eiffel Tower. Originally, they were going to meet at the Montparnasse Tower at his suggestion but she had been thinking too much about Cat Blanc and wanted to avoid it at all costs for the time being. No, they were meeting at the Eiffel Tower to discuss the consequences of what had happened there just two nights prior. It was about time as they shouldn't have put it off for as long as they had.

Cat Noir landed and she could see his brilliant smile even in the dark from twenty feet away. How had she never seen that as Adrien's? She'd only dreamed about it for years and yet she had never put the two together. His body language said confidence but his face showed apprehension, she noticed. Without hesitating, she stepped towards him and asked, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he shook his head, still smiling brilliantly, "I - " Then he straightened, squaring his shoulders, and took her hands in his. "You know, I should just tell you. You're a lot less intimidating when I know you're Marinette."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Truthfully, she was hurt a little. It's not that she wanted to be intimidating, but it felt like he was saying something negative about her as Ladybug and she wasn't entirely sure what.

He looked confused but then a shy smile crept across his face as he spoke, very much Adrien and not so much Cat Noir. "I was thinking about you earlier...you Ladybug _and_ you Marinette...and I realized how much I missed by never putting the two together." She still didn't follow and continued to look at him quizzically. "Like right now, as Ladybug, you look like you're determined to strangle me, but when I remember that you're Marinette, it looks more like you're super confused and determined to figure out the answer."

Ladybug narrowed her eyes at him still not entirely convinced. "Go on."

Cat Noir squeezed her hands and continued. "I thought Ladybug was checking out because she didn't care about me. After all, she'd turned me down so many times - No, don't you apologize! It's OK, Bugaboo, just let me finish! - and now that I think back, it was actually Marinette afraid she'd lose me and it makes so much more sense. Especially knowing what I know now," and the wink he shot her way could not have been any more Cat Noir if he tried. "There's just one thing I still haven't been able to figure out."

"What's that?" She was already slightly red with the attention he was paying her and she hoped against all hope that he couldn't see it. She was having a hard time forgetting he was the love of her life and that she also shouldn't be falling into a blubbering mess like always because he was also Cat Noir, her partner.

"Why - no, nevermind, it doesn't matter anymore." He looked down and bit back the words.

"No, please, I want to know," she pressed, tugging at his hands as emphasis.

"Please don't feel bad? I've never thought poorly of you for it, and it can be quite endearing sometimes, so please, please, please don't feel bad." She nodded her encouragement, frowning slightly in confusion. What could he be talking about? "If...if you've always been in love with me, with Adrien...why do you never talk around me? I mean, you could have tried to get to know me better, but you always stammer, and…" She tuned out whatever he said next, mortified, and completely missed that he sounded self-conscious. She had been hoping, knowing full well it wasn't the truth, that Adrien had just never noticed, and here he was asking her directly about it. She was completely frozen and thoroughly abashed. "Marinette?"

"I - uh." Her mind went blank and her heart began to pound in her ears. "Um, you - I and." She shook her head, eyes wide in terror, and when he squeezed her hands for reassurance and she realized she was holding _Adrien Agreste's_ hands, she snapped them away. "No….no no no no _no_." She waved both hands in front of her as if to ward off whatever her thoughts were attracting. The dejected look on his face was going to break her heart. What was she doing to him? Was she really going to let her fear of failure push him away _again_? After they had come so far? Yes, it seemed like that's exactly what she was doing...because she was weak. She needed Tikki; she didn't have her the last time this happened but she needed her now. "Spots off!" she squeaked, and he stopped backing away. Marinette was trying to take in deep breaths but they wouldn't make it past her collapsing throat. She put her hands to her chest, willing it to pull in oxygen, and she bent double as her vision started to fade.

"Adrien, she's having a panic attack!" Tikki's voice was distant and Marinette couldn't make out what she said next. All the girl knew was that someone was enveloping her in strong arms and was holding her close, whispering in her ear.

"It's going to be OK, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, shhh." Then she felt a vibration, familiar but new, and she realized that Cat Noir was purring. Her cheek was pressed against his chest and she could feel the rumbling from within. _It's safe here_ , her brain was telling her, and slowly but surely she was able to take deeper and deeper breaths as he continued to whisper reassurances to her. "I'm here Marinette, come back to me. You're alright."

At long last, she wrapped her arms around him, eyes still screwed shut, and buried her face in his shoulder, squeezing him to her. Thankfully, he was silent and unmoving, allowing her to work through whatever had grasped her in such a panic. _She_ knew, of course, but without telling him, there was no way for him to know. She wasn't entirely sure she was ready for him to know, but maybe, just maybe, Tikki was right, and talking to Adrien would help. Finally, he said, "Is it what you're not ready to tell me?" He felt her breath hitch and hurried to continue, "I'm not pushing, I _won't_ push, I promise."

"It's not that," she mumbled, readying herself to actually put some of her pain into words in order to actually share the burden with someone else.

"Would it help if I was Adrien? Claws - "

"NO!" she shouted up at him, head snapping up. There was that dejected look again; his tail was twitching ever so slightly and his ears were droopy. She knew she had to explain no matter how hard it was going to be. She had to save herself the heartbreak for making him feel that way. Ladybug took a deep breath then buried her face in his shoulder again. It would be easier if she didn't have to look at him. Her words came out almost as one, punctuated by deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself, but she barreled ahead knowing that she had to get them out before they wouldn't come. She just had to remember it was Cat Noir. "You make me nervous and I don't want you to reject plain ol' clumsy Marinette Dupain-Cheng...and I just panicked now because I thought I was going to screw up even more and push you away because I'm too weak to even talk to you, Adrien." Now that the words were coming out, she couldn't stop them, even despite the deepened breathing. "I passed out the other day because I had a panic attack for the same reason, but you, Cat, not you, Adrien, and now I'm sure you're going to think I'm a freak and leave me anyway so I might as well get this out while I can. But if you do leave, don't feel bad, I totally deserve it, I _know_ I'm unworthy but that doesn't - "

"Do _not_ talk about my girlfriend like that," his voice was dangerously low and his purr stopped abruptly. She looked up at him with watery eyes, brow furrowing in confusion.

"Wha - what?" she sniffled.

"I won't tolerate it," he said simply. "Not even from her." Leave it to Cat to be so cavalier about it. Though her eyes were still watering, she snorted.

"Who said I'm your girlfriend?" she raised an eyebrow and pursed her lips. "Hmm?"

"Hold on!" he said abruptly, stepping back. "I'll be right back! Claws in." Before she could do or say anything, he was talking again. "Hey, Ladybug, I'm trying to impress this really amazing girl and I told her you were my girlfriend so would you pretty please be my girlfriend? For real? Pretty, pretty please?" She blinked rapidly and tried to keep up.

"Um, yes?" Then she said more confidently, "Yes."

"Great, thanks! Gotta go! Claws out!" Plagg screeched angrily as he was sucked back into the ring. Then Cat Noir took a step back to her and wrapped his arms around her again so they were back in the same position. "I have it on good authority," he said knowingly, winking, "Adrien told me himself."

Marinette laughed lightly, shaking her head slightly and smiling brightly. "Silly kitty."

"There she is," he whispered, smiling down at her while he brushed her cheek with his thumb. "I'm not going anywhere, Marinette. Nothing could make me leave, especially now, not after I found you."

Marinette could feel the pressure behind her eyes burst and she pressed them down tight to keep the tears back. Instead, some of them sneaked out and rolled hastily down her cheeks. Her chin quivered and she shook her head. "But I don't deserve it," she whispered, "I'll just ruin everything."

"You always miraculously _fix_ everything. I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. I said some pretty awful things to you and I will never forgive myself for them. They were words of pain but disguised themselves as anger and I aimed them at the most caring, thoughtful, nicest person I know. If anyone is not worthy, it is me. I am so sorry for everything I said and I will pay for it for the rest of my life."

"No, you were right, I was being awful, I just -" she shook her head, "nevermind."

"Tell me, Marinette. I'm not a scaredy cat. You can't just scat me away."

A small smile spread fleetingly across her face. "I was so afraid of losing you, too."

"Too?"

"Master Fu left me...why wouldn't you?" she said quietly, almost as if she were speaking to herself. "If he could leave, that meant you could, too, and I was no longer certain you'd always be by my side, always be my partner." She couldn't bear to look at him, afraid that she would see all of her insecurities reflected in his emerald eyes. "He left because I screwed up, the others have to leave because I screwed up, and I kept screwing up every time we fought, so why wouldn't you leave, too? Eventually you'd recognize what a failure I am and you'd go, too."

"Never," he whispered as if he couldn't believe what she was saying. She felt his finger beneath her chin and didn't resist when he raised it so she would look at him. " _Never._ "

"How?"

"How what?" The question threw him off balance.

"How do you do that? How can you be so certain all the time? You always bounce back, no matter what. How?"

He scratched the back of his neck and she saw Adrien's uncertainty beneath Cat Noir's mask. "Um, well?" She waited patiently while he gathered his thoughts. "Cats always land on their feet?" She kept waiting and finally he sighed submissively. "I don't really have a choice, I guess. It's just...I mean...I have to be. But listen, Marinette, I will never leave you. _Never_. Master Fu chose you as the next Guardian, he knew he would lose his memory. Maybe it happened sooner than he expected but he knew it was coming. Don't beat yourself up over it, please. In the end, it was _his_ choice."

"But -"

"No 'buts'. He was already teaching you, and look at how happy he was to reunite with his long lost love. It was _his_ choice, _not_ your action." Then he leaned his forehead on hers, never looking away, and gently and earnestly said, "Thank you."

Heads still touching, she looked up at him and asked, "For what?"

"For telling me what's been bothering you. I know you've been holding on to it for a long time and it can't have been easy to tell me. But I'm here now, OK? Whenever you need me, I'm here." Tears welling in her eyes again, she smiled gently and nodded. "Whenever, OK? OK?"

"OK," she squeezed her eyes shut and a few tears fell again, but her voice came out stronger the second time, "OK." When he kissed her forehead, she smiled.

"Now," he cleared his throat and stood to his full height, hands on hips, "how do you plan on telling everyone you're dating the debonair Cat Noir?" He waggled his eyebrows.

"Debonair?" she snorted, wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. "You mean scoundrel."

"You wound me! Me-"

"Don't you dare say me-ouch," she warned.

"Wait! I know what to do!" Marinette was very skeptical and went to issue another warning when Cat Noir's transformation cut off any chance of him hearing what she had to say.

"What are you doing?" she asked, an almost dangerous tone to her voice. He began to bow and offered an exaggerated sweep of his hand. "Oh no you don't!"

"M'lady," when Adrien looked up with his Cat Noir, devil-may-care grin, she began giggling, shaking her head as if the mere action would erase the affect it was having on her; and with that very thought, Adrien had an idea. It would have to wait for school in two days, but boy was it a good one. _Payback's a bitch,_ he thought, and smirked.

"No, no, no, no, I am _still_ not ready for this! Adrien is so, so - " flustered, she fished for the right words, "mild mannered! Quiet! Straight laced! Stop!"

"Stop what, m'lady? Being so devilishly handsome? I'm sorry, it's impawsible," he shrugged nonchalantly as he stood to his full height again. "I don't mean to hiss and tail, m'lady, but don't you think Alya will caterwaul when she finds out that her ship has finally sailed?"

"Would you stop?!" It was a demand, not a question, but she was laughing so he paid it no attention.

"Why would I when this is so much fun?" Marinette's face was stricken, suddenly, and he immediately stopped posturing. "What's wrong?" He stepped towards her and she immediately began apologizing.

"I'm sorry, we can't tell her!"

"I didn't mean actually tell her about us the superheroes, Bugaboo." He frowned slightly. "I was just teasing."

"I know, I know!" she squeaked. "But you know how she is! If she doesn't believe a single thing we say, she is going to follow that thread until it doesn't unravel anymore and our cover will be completely blown and she will be so mad because she can't fight alongside us anymore and I don't know what to tell her!"

"Well, we have all day tomorrow to think of a really good lie for what we did over the weekend...how I did something super romantic to ask you out and there was no way you could ever resist my captivating charm. After all, I'm extraordinary, and a model, and rich."

"That's - but I - you're -" her eyes narrowed with determination. "That's not why I like you, and also, I don't like lying."

"Well I wouldn't know why you like me, you never talk to me." She stomped her foot in frustration and he cooed, "Aw, you're so cute!"

"ADRIEN!"

"OK, OK," he laughed easily, "but there are more than one type of lies. There are good lies and there are bad lies...and then there are naughty lies." He waggled his eyebrows again and jumped back before she could playfully smack him.

"Could you be serious for once?!" she growled, arms straight down at her sides and ending in balled fists.

"Anything for you, Bugaboo." He chuckled one more time and sobered. "We have to lie all of the time being us, but we do it for a good reason, right? To keep Paris safe and to keep our families safe, yeah?" She nodded, considering his words. "So we may have to lie a little bit to keep our identities safe, too. We aren't lying to hurt anyone, just to keep them safe."

Marinette relaxed at his words, nodding along. Tikki was right: talking to Adrien was really helping. "You've really thought about this, haven't you?"

"Look, I really don't like secrets because...because my father always seems to be keeping so many of them from me but that's besides the point. I don't like secrets but I keep so many of them, so why? I couldn't sleep until I figured it out and eventually I did. There are good surprises and there are bad surprises. For example, Marinette is Ladybug is the best surprise I could have ever asked for."

"And the bad surprise is that she's just plain Marinette."

"Hey, what did I tell you earlier? No one talks about my girlfriend that way."

Marinette sighed. "I'm sorry, I just - "

"It's OK. Now, what are we going to tell Alya?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hullo! I just wanted to add a quick note that because this fic isn't centered around what happens with Miraculous holders next, I won't be addressing it here
> 
> Also, I have to relearn how to immerse myself into communities and thus I am trying to figure out where/how to join those wherein I can find prompts and such. I welcome any suggestions, please and thank you!


	11. That Trust Is Sometimes Broken But It Can Always Be Restored

That Trust Is Sometimes Broken But It Can Always Be Restored

“Get back here!”

“Aw, Sugarcube, but - “

“Oh, no you don’t! You have skated around this for too long!” Despite her coloring, Tikki was turning even redder with frustration, little eyes bulging.

“But the kids - “

“NO!  _ They  _ are fine,  _ no one _ can hear us, we  _ aren’t _ interrupting anything, and YOU ARE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS AGAIN! NO MORE EXCUSES” Her little body was quivering with barely contained rage. Plagg had forgotten what it was like to see the creature of creation want to actually destroy something...that something being him.

“You don’t need to raise your voice, you know.” Plagg was deflecting, and he knew he was deflecting, but he didn’t quite know what else to do. Tikki was usually so passive so when she was actively trying to put him in his place, which he deserved, he all but shut down.

“Clearly I do! Since you never listen to me! You haven’t been listening to me for thousands of years and I am not sure why I thought you would start listening to me now!"

"I'm sorry, Sugarcube -"

"Apologize to  _ Adrien _ NOT  _ me. _ "

"But Tikki…"

"But  _ nothing _ . What if it didn't work, huh? What if it was like Curtis and Lauren?"

"It wasn't, though, I know what I'm doing."

"It's too much of a gamble! You can't keep meddling like this, Plagg."

"It works, and I'm not sorry I did it. Not this time." He crossed his arms and looked up and away. "You challenge your kids in your way, I challenge them in mine."

"I don't challenge them, I encourage them towards their own path! You tell them they're wrong so they fight you harder to be right! You never stop to consider what happens if they stop fighting!"

"Because they don't." He nodded once. "Simple as that."

"Except for Lauren,” Tikki said shrewdly.

"Adrien is different."

"You say that about all of them!" Her voice was shrill now, like a teapot whistling.

"It worked. I don't know why you are so mad." He knew.

"Because it's stupid to risk something so precious on a stupid theory you have. It's fine for cheeses and matters of little consequence, but not  _ this _ ."

"When they know they're right and I'm wrong, they fight to tell me I'm wrong and wind up strengthening why they know they're right. They remind themselves why they were right to begin with. It works. Besides, there are very few things that boy has that make him happy. There is no way he would stop fighting for the thing that makes him the happiest." Plagg relaxed his shoulders and uncrossed his arms. "Trust me, Sugarcube. I never make the same mistake twice. I will never forget Lauren." His words were solemn, and although he knew Tikki was mostly right, Plagg also knew that he had done the right thing at the time he did it.

He must have taken the wind out of her sails then because her only response was a defeated, "Don't call me that."

...o{0}o…

Adrien was ready for retribution. Marinette was going to break into a million pieces and he was going to enjoy every second of it, and just for an added boost, he had ruffled up his hair ever so slightly. It would be enough for her to notice at least. They had talked at length about how to be prepared for Alya’s dogged determination, about how to transition into being a couple without the masks, and about how much they missed out by dancing around each other for years. (They also made up for some of that lost time). Not once had they broached the subject of puns and just how badly Adrien wanted revenge for Marinette’s assaultive behavior the week before. His victory was nigh.

When Marinette came into class, Adrien stood and bowed deeply, one arm behind his back while he twirled the other in front of him. “M’lady.” He smirked up at her through his lashes and winked just for her. She promptly tripped on the stairs and if not for his quick reflexes, she’d have fallen flat on her face. “When you said you fell for me, I didn’t imagine it like this.”

Marinette refused to make eye contact with him as he helped her to her feet but he could see the brain malfunction working its way across her face. First her eyes narrowed, then her lips pursed, but her eyebrows disappeared behind her bangs; he could tell she was holding back the high pitched nervous giggle she did when she couldn’t process what she called Adrien Noir. He had taken Adrien Noir for a test drive a few times the previous day just to make sure it would continue to work and he was satisfied that it worked the same every time. She had broken him with puns and now he was merely returning the favor.

“You must be an elevator because you really lift my spirits,” he said as she moved towards her desk. His Cat Noir grin spread the whole way across his face when his pun elicited a squeal from his girlfriend. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously and asked, “Are you a camera? Because if not, I have to figure out why I smile every time you look at me.” Marinette keeled over into a very confused Alya, a high pitched machine gun giggle bursting forth; Adrien very nonchalantly returned to his seat, letting Marinette’s discomfort marinate.

“Who gave Agreste caffeine?” Alya looked around and when nobody copped to it, she shook her head, “This is why we don’t give the model caffeine.”

He turned slowly in his chair, a very serious look on his face. “If the cat’s got your tongue, Marinette, you can always just say ‘plethora’,” he shrugged slightly, “it means ‘a lot’.”

Marinette was shaking her head and sucking in air between guffaws. “Stooooooooop,” she whined, “I can’t!” Her face was almost as red as her secret superhero suit and her eyes were watering over with tears.

When Adrien noticed a stray pencil that must have escaped when she tripped, a devious idea sprung into his head. He quickly stretched to grab the offending utensil then twisted his body to end up on one knee as he presented it to her. “Well, I never thought I’d wind up in front of you on one knee like  _ this _ , exactly...but Marinette...will you...take your pencil back from me, please?”

“I hate you,” she wheezed, tears streaming as she cackled, a hand on her chest and feet kicking. Smirking, he placed the pencil back on her desk and returned to his own seat after shooting her a two fingered salute.

“What the…?” Nino said bemused.

Adrien just shrugged and said, “Payback.” Then he turned around quickly. “Hey Marinette! Do you believe in love at first sight? Because I can totally walk by again…”

“No more,” Marinette sucked in air between fragments, “macarons,” and tried to settle herself, “for you.” It was futile, though, because when he turned around again to smile at her, she cackled anew.

“Worth it.”

...o{0}o…

“I told you I was going to tell him!” Marinette hissed.

“You didn’t answer your phone all weekend!” Alya accused.

“I was...busy…”

“Oh, I bet you  _ were _ .” Alay put one hand on her hip and pursed her lips.

Marinette playfully hit her best friend. “We are  _ not _ you and Nino.” She had to turn around to find Alya who had stopped dead in her tracks some few feet back. “What?”

“You said ‘we’ which means  _ you _ think of you guys as a unit now...which means something has changed.” Her hazel eyes narrowed suspiciously. “You really did tell him, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” Marinette replied, exasperated.

“And?” Marinette just smiled and lifted her chin a little. “Oh no you don’t! You can’t leave me hanging!” 

“What? You think there’s a lede buried? I straight told you I was going to tell him. Not my fault you didn’t believe me.”

“Completely your fault I didn’t believe you, boy who cried wolf!”

Marinette softened then and smiled at her best friend. “I promise to tell you, but right now we need to get to class.”

“Fiiiiiine,” Alya groaned, “but you better tell me  _ everything. _ ”

“I will tell you  _ most _ , but not - “ Phones buzzed everywhere as an akuma alert interrupted the break between afternoon classes. Alya was already preparing to take off but Marinette saw her face fall when she realized just how far away the akuma victim was.

“I’ll never make it,” the burgeoning reported sighed dejectedly. “Then again,” she smiled mischievously, “I’ll just go find Nino.” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively and added, “You better go find your boyfriend, too.”

Marinette turned bright red. “You - I am - we,” she huffed, “I _ will _ .” Alya threw back her head and laughed as she left her frustrated best friend behind in order to go find her boyfriend and a secluded spot. Akuma alerts were sometimes good for more than just a good story.

...o{0}o…

Cat Noir was really feeling the fight. He’d taken approximately the same amount of hits he usually took, but it was different this go around. Hawkmoth had been so kind as to provide another Sentimonster with his partner Mayura and it just so happened to be an oversized pair of boxing gloves that was hellbent on treating Cat Noir like a speed bag. He was so focused on dodging uppercuts and and jabs from objects thrice his size that he didn’t entirely notice the original victim bearing down on Ladybug. Despite his diminutive size, the Farmer was pressing the superheroine backwards and Cat Noir was momentarily distracted. He’d always been preoccupied with protecting his lady but now that he knew who she was and that she was Marinette, there was an entire other level of protectiveness. They’d talked about it in passing and yet he was still unprepared by how fully it affected him.

What affected him even more was the hook from the gigantic gloves that made mincemeat out of his left side as it ground him against a brick building. He stumbled, tripping on his own feet, then stumbled sideways again, swiping his free hand at the trickling feeling beneath his nose and barely catching his weight on his baton with the other. The blood on his gloves was a bright scarlet and he marveled for a moment when he realized it was the same color as his lady’s suit. He smiled and snorted, looking up to search for his partner so he could show her how the colors matched. Where was she? Why did everything look like it was under water? What was that taste in his mouth? He stumbled again just before he found her a few yards away, her bright suit the only indication in his muddled mind that it was actually her.

She was still, and for a split second he wondered if it just looked that way because he’d been hit so hard. Then with instant clarity, Cat Noir saw the Farmer’s face change. His chin tucked in as he clenched his jaw and bladed his hips. He loaded his shoulder and locked out his elbow. Without further thought, Cat Noir activated his baton, willing Plagg to sense the urgency. His entire body shot forward, closing the gap, and his feet hit the ground in front of Ladybug with just enough time to brace for impact. The magic packed haymaker connected with the side of his face and instantly shattered all of his cheekbone and part of his jaw as the kinetic energy sent a shockwave through his skull and his body flying through the air. He only had a moment to think,  _ That hurt _ , before his body skidded across the pavement and he passed out.

Then…

A warmth spread over him and he woke to the tingling feeling of the Miraculous Ladybug magic washing over him. He tried to open his eyes and sit up but belatedly realized that the magic was not going to be able to heal him completely. Not yet, anyway. He groaned and took stock of his body, working his jaw to get a feel of its mobility, and immediately regretting the decision. His head throbbed, his entire face seized in pain, and he wondered just how mutilated he must have been for his body to still hurt so bad. Slowly, as to not jostle his agonizing head, he sat up and propped himself with his right arm. His left arm felt fine but the stiffness in his shoulder and torso meant it wouldn’t bear his weight. He didn’t even want to think about the way he looked beneath his suit. Before he could even try to gather his feet beneath him to try to stand, Ladybug appeared at his side.

She moved to touch him then snatched her hands back, afraid she may hurt him further. “Cat Noir,” she breathed, almost inaudibly. Tears choked anything else she may have said, but her eyes searched his for affirmation. He nodded once, slowly blinking, and she burst into tears, reaching for his face and touching it gingerly as if to reassure herself that he was there, that he was OK. She let out a little sob and he smiled, the pain blossoming anew.

“Hey, Bugaboo,” he maintained his lopsided grin, fighting through the pain to offer her a modicum of reassurance. “I haven’t punched my ticket yet, Ladybug.”

“Cat, I - “ Then she kissed him desperately, and he thought for a moment he might pass out again. He was on fire, but all the pain in the world was worth feeling her lips again, and he knew with certainty, like every time before, that he would do it all again if it meant she was safe. “I love you,” she whispered against his lips, and he smiled against hers, sputtering.

“I love you, too, but,” he coughed, and she frowned in worry, “I think you need to throw in the towel. You’re beeping.”


	12. Yes, Sometimes The Road Can Be Winding

Yes, Sometimes The Road Can Be Winding

His entire left side was on fire and his face hurt to move. Once he dropped his transformation, the agony overwhelmed him. He laid on his bed in blinding pain, unable to move let alone think. Plagg silently zoomed off towards his stash of cheese, all but inhaling an entire wheel before zipping back to Adrien’s side.

“I can only hold it for so long. I’m sorry, kid. Just...just stay there, I’ll take care of it,” his kwami said in an unusually somber voice. Then Plagg transformed him back to Cat Noir. He did that several times over the next few hours, wordlessly regaining his strength in record time and without complaint before transforming Adrien, his magic alleviating some of the torment. In one of his more lucid moments, the teen used his baton to message his partner, then his cell phone, too, just in case. He just wanted to let her know he was alright and that he would contact her again as soon as he could. How was he going to explain this to her without her blaming herself? He wasn’t entirely sure he could, and, furthermore, he didn’t have his wits enough about him to try to figure it out more than just acknowledging that he needed to.

“See her,” he said to Plagg at long last, the exhausted kwami consuming another wheel of camembert. His hiss of pain and scratchy voice did not go unnoticed. The words came best if he didn’t move his mouth but even swallowing hurt so he tried to be minimalistic.

“You need to rest.” It was unusual for the black kwami to sound so caring instead of cavalier but Adrien ignored him nonetheless.

“Rest later,” he grunted, “ _ see _ her.” Very slowly and very gingerly, he moved his legs over the side of his bed without bending at the waist and sat up. He groaned, swaying, chest heaving to lessen the pain but only making it worse with every expansion. Once he was able to talk again, he reasoned, “Almost...out of cheese...need more.” It went unspoken that he would not be able to get more for his kwami without too many questions, and even then, he wasn’t entirely physically able to do it anyway.

“You have to hurry, I don’t know if I can hold it the whole way there when you’re...like this.”

Adrien only managed to nod once before Plagg transformed him. Breathing deeply through the pain, nostrils flaring, he cleared his mind and focused on the task at hand instead of how he felt. Testing his limits briefly, he mentally mapped the shortest route to the bakery and took off, thankful that the suit was dulling his agony.

He descended upon her balcony and bit back another yelp, having jostled his battered body with the landing. She must have been waiting for him because within seconds she scrambled through the window. “Are you OK?! How do you feel?”

“With my fingers,” he quipped through an unmoving jaw, working slowly to her side with a number of winces and grimaces. Despite the suit, he was almost consumed by pain.

“Stop it, I’m serious. I’ve been worried about you.”

“Be OK,” he huffed, “m’lady...now...get to...see you.” She rolled her eyes and he at least thought about smiling even though he couldn’t; meanwhile, she moved to help him down into her room. It was very slow going and as soon as they were completely inside, he called off his transformation in a beleaguered cry. Spots flooded his vision as the pain washed over him again, the supersuit no longer taking the brunt of it. He swayed, body going limp, and she caught him, speaking soothingly as she helped him to lie down. 

“I’ve got you. Lie down. There you go.”

Despite the pain, he reveled in her tenderness as she moved about him, fluffing the pillows and making sure he was comfortable. He protested with a grunt when she began taking off his shoes, commenting in spurts on how he could handle it himself. She had the grace to not call him out on his lie. “It’s the least I can do,” then, “I don’t want to hurt you, though, so you’ll have to take off your own shirt while I go get ice. I’ll be right back.”

“Marinette,” Tikki said softly. “Can you please get Plagg as much food as possible?” Marinette frowned, confused and concerned. “Anything will do at this point. But a lot. Please.” Marinette nodded and retreated down through the trapdoor.

Truthfully, he could have used her help removing said shirt but he’d never tell her that just to save her from her own self-destructive thoughts. “Tikki?” he hissed as he finally took inventory of his injuries. He had been avoiding it for this very reason: if he was still in this much agony hours later, it must have been worse than he imagined. His head was swimming and he was barely able to focus, his entire body on edge. Coming to see her was not such a good idea but he did not regret it in the least. Whatever progress he had made was invalidated and made useless in his effort to see her. He regretted nothing.

The flesh on the left side of his torso was mottled and misshapen, appearing unnatural and distorted. He knew his face looked fine, thankfully, but it felt like it had been steamrolled. He didn’t care so much about his looks as much as he cared about anyone noticing, especially Nathalie and his father.

“Tikki...really...bad? Did...did I die?” It still hurt to talk and his headache was almost blinding, but he had to know. Was that why he was still in so much pain?

“No, Adrien, you didn’t die,” she said almost inaudibly in her high pitched voice, leaving something unsaid.

“But?” She was not surprised he picked up on it. TIkki flitted back and forth anxiously, deliberately not answering him.

“You could have,” Plagg said for her, “it really was  _ that _ bad, kid.” As if he didn’t recognize all of the effort Plagg had put into helping him, he could hear the exhaustion in the little kwami’s voice.

“Oh...OK,” he said oddly calmly, settling heavily down onto the pillow. He stared at the ceiling in silence as he waited for Marinette, trying futilely to ignore the way his body felt like giving up on him. It wasn’t quite dusk yet and he focused on breathing evenly while he traced with his eyes the outlines of the shadows above him; anything to keep his mind away from his agony. Marinette didn’t need to know, and in order for him to keep it from her, he was going to have to remain calm. She would never forgive him if she knew just how badly he was hurt. No, he decided, he’d have to play it off best he could.

His plan went to hell in a handbasket, though, when Marinette climbed back up to her room. He heard her set down what he assumed was a plate of food before she made her way back up to her bed. She held two ice packs as her head came into view and Adrien watched all of the color drain from her face as her eyes scanned over his body and settled on the defiled flesh of his torso. She kneeled next to him, blinking rapidly, her head moving ever so slightly from side to side as her brow pinched and her eyes narrowed. When he sat up too quickly, he yelped in pain, but immediately tried to reassure her. It was his very nature, after all, to put her pain before his. “Hey...I’m alright,” he said as gently and fully as he could, rolling onto his right side instead. He almost passed out but he had to reassure her, had to keep her from experiencing even a modicum of what he was currently experiencing whether it was emotional or physical. “Going to... be OK.”

The ice packs fell from her listless hands and she stared vacantly down at the bed. When he gently touched her face, brushing his thumb against her cheek, her head snapped up and tears fell unbidden. “Going to be OK,” he repeated breathily, gently trying to comfort her. It took everything he had, every repressed emotion and reaction he hid from his father, every sustained pose despite his fatigue, to keep his composure and hide his pain from the love of his life. Then he realized that maybe she had never been so hurt that Tikki’s magic was unable to heal her immediately; after all, he usually took the hits. “Takes awhile sometimes.” He really hoped that she didn’t notice how he cut his sentences short to avert the pain. Her eyes searched his and her chin quivered a little. He danced around the truth, glossing over the fact that this one would probably last days, that he’d probably be more than sore like he usually was especially considering his current state.

“Always OK...sometimes it...takes longer...never tell...in...few days...assuming...I let you...see me shirtless...again.” When she didn’t react in any way, not even a blush or a disapproving frown, he instantly worried. Without a care for how much pain it would cause, he directly, deliberately, and doggedly said, “Marinette. I’m going to be fine.”

The tears welled in her eyes and spilled over as she shook her head gently. “What if you’re not? What if I can’t save you? I  _ told _ you that knowing each other’s identities would put us at risk and -”

“Wouldn’t change it for the world.” His hands were shaking from trying to work through the pain but he had to. He had to for her. Anything for her.  _ Anything _ . She finally looked up at him, eyes glistening with unshed tears as they searched his face for reassurance. “You’re...more...important.” He felt like he was going to vomit and his head was spinning.

“Don’t say that. We’re partners.” Adrien was thankful that she didn’t seem to notice.

“Not...what...I mean.” He took a deep breath which only hurt his ribs further but he pulled everything together to focus. Before he could say anything, though, Plagg silently zipped over and transformed him. That amount of relief that washed over him was dizzying and it took him a moment to mentally catch up to the drastic physical changes. He took another deep breath, bracing for the pain that never came, and his tail subconsciously wound it’s way around Marinette’s leg. “Who cleanses the akumas? I can’t. Who puts everything back? Who calls the Lucky Charm? I cannot do any of those things, only you can, and I have to protect you so you can. I am your shield. I am happy to be your shield, but you have to let me.

“But - “

“No ‘buts’, it’s my job. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it doesn’t hurt, but it's worth it. Saving Paris is worth it. Keeping you safe is worth it. You have to be safe to put everything right and you always do, and then I’m fine. Look,” he raised his left arm above his head with barely a grimace, “I’m better already.” Adrien was glossing over the truth again, leaving out that as soon as Plagg needed a break, he’d been in agony once more.

“But,” she shook her head, starting over her voice terribly small, “What if I can’t?”

“I’m here to make sure you can.” Her jaw began to quiver again and she sucked in a shaky breath. “Hey, I’m OK,” he squeezed her hand and pulled her to him, his tail comfortably tightening around her thigh.

She laid her head on his chest and tucked her head under his chin, grumbling. “I don’t have to like it,” she sniffled. He wrapped his right arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

“No, you don’t, you’re right,” he sighed, “but you’re worth it. You’ll always be worth it.” They lay there in a comfortable silence and he felt better by the minute thanks to Plagg. Finally, he said, “Marinette?”

She pulled back enough to look up at him, her hand splayed on his chest. “Yeah? Are you OK? I’m not hurting you, am I?”

“No,” he smiled lightly, “I’m fine. The suit helps. I just wanted to let you know that I know what you’re thinking. Both things, actually, and the first thing is a lie.”

“Oh? What am I thinking?” she said not unkindly, her eyes searching his face for some sort of hint.

“That you aren’t worth it, that you’re not good enough for me, not good enough to be Ladybug, and I’m here to tell you that your mind is lying to you. That if  _ you _ aren’t worth it,  _ no one  _ is.” 

Her throat was tight and she didn’t know what to say so she just nodded, swallowing thickly. Then, “What’s the second thing?”

“You were thinking about how I’m about to be half naked again in your bed when Plagg has to go eat.” He waggled his eyebrows beneath his mask and his tail moved higher up her thigh.

Her face was expressionless despite the rising blush, and she said, “Oh, was I?”

He shrugged. “You are now, though.” When she smacked him playfully and rolled her eyes, he laughed. “Why so red, Ladybug?” She hid her blush by burying her face in the crook between his head and shoulder. “Oooo, I know what you’re thinking about  _ now _ , too!” Marinette grunted and he took it as a signal to continue. “You’re thinking about how many ways there are to skin a cat!”

...o{0}o…

It wasn’t until many hours after Cat Noir left through her trapdoor that Marinette allowed her thoughts to creep back in. It was easy to forget her problems when she was with Adrien, but with the lack of his warmth beside her came the cold slap of reality. Learning to compartmentalize had been an unfortunate side effect of her double life but it had also saved her too many times to count. It was when the compartments fell apart in the safety of her room that ruined her.

Like just then when she was almost catatonic, an image playing on repeat in her mind, one of Cat Noir’s face shattering in slow motion, hearing the bones in his face and probably his neck crack as they broke, watching his body scrape across the ground...for her. He did it for her. That punch was meant for her and the stupid cat had suffered for it. Part of her was angry that he was always sacrificing himself for her because she wasn’t worth it and he was worth far more than she no matter what he said and no matter how he tried to convince her; another part of her was angry because no one should have to suffer because of her, it wasn’t fair; and yet another part of her was angry because she knew instinctively that there was no way she would ever convince him otherwise and that he always sacrificed himself for her regardless of how much and how hard she protested.

Protest she would, too. What if she wasn’t able to fix everything? What if he took one blow too many and she could not bring him back? He had to be more careful with himself; she couldn’t lose him when she had just found him. How was he still so hurt? Did her Miraculous cure not actually fix everything? How many times had he suffered in silence before? How many times had he laid in bed, hurt, cursing that he took the blows for her and she wouldn’t even give him the time of day? How did he always bounce back on his feet after stuff like that? How could he continue to love her when she had turned him away so many times? When she had treated him so poorly? How did Adrien do it? Hadn’t he suffered in life enough already?

And here she was, selfishly adding to it, her failures causing him more and more pain. How could she ever forgive herself for that? How would he forgive her? Somehow he always did but she didn’t understand  _ how _ . She wasn’t worth it, not when she would just cause him more pain, and the longer they were together as partners or lovers or whatever, the more pain she would cause him. It wasn’t worth it to hurt him like that, it wasn’t something she was sure she could keep doing. She loved him, relentlessly, tirelessly, completely, but she couldn’t forgive herself for hurting him like that, for him getting hurt for her. Was it worth it? She knew she wasn’t, but was their love?

“Marinette,” Tikki whispered, hovering over the girl whose eyes were wide and unblinking. “Marinette, not again, please. Tell Adrien, I’m sure he’d come back.”

“No, Tikki,” she whispered, otherwise unmoving, “he’s suffered enough for me already, he doesn’t need this burden, too.”

“He will help you carry it. I will help you carry it. We will all help you carry it. Please.”

She shook her head. “I’m not making you all bear the consequences of my actions. You do enough already.”

There was nothing Tikki could do without Marinette helping herself, and Marinette was very obviously not ready to help herself. The kwami was wrought with worry. Marinette had been making so much progress and now she had fallen backwards so far. She had to convince Marinette to tell Adrien; it would be the only thing to help. Somehow, someway, she would, and the creature spent all night devising a plan as Marinette slept fitfully, old nightmares returning and mixing with the new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay!

**Author's Note:**

> Cross posted to fanfiction.net under the same user name.  
> No set upload timeline but I promise to finish it and tie up loose ends!


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